all pau

this blog has been fading out for a while, and i guess it's time to admit it's all 'pau' (hawaiian for 'over', 'done', 'complete'). wrapping my mind around all that has happened this year, i am so grateful for the journey, the daily unfolding of surprises, and the place i landed.

i just had another birthday--31 now. i remember last year's birthday, my parents came to visit me in colorado, i showed them my van set-up, we cavorted around the mountains reconnecting our family ties, and i began to relax into my singleness. i'd made it to 30 without any serious commitments, why not use my lightness as a birds advantage and take off into the wind? the seed of my next adventure was planted, i would make one of my big dreams come true--living in a tropical paradise.

fast forward to today. i woke up cradled in the gentle embrace of a man i'd given up hoping for, in a place of unending blooming beauty, myriad birds singing me out of bed and into another day of perfection. i can't remember if i've ever been this happy. i don't expect it will last forever, but i'm going to ride this wave to the shore, and then i'm setting up my home there.

from here on out, it's our adventure. i may end up heartbroken, but i'm ok with that, this is worth it. maybe we'll move back to the mainland, pick up the chateau faded rainbow and rattle off onto the blue highways together, and if so, i may resume this blog. but for now, we are cozily nestled in our island incubator, thoughts of leaving far from our minds, and i feel more like keeping my heart a secret than blasting it into the storm of the internet.

until we meet again, mahalo nui loa to you wayfaring strangers, long time friends, family, and vandwellers....

settling in

on the first rainy day in may, it's time to envision the next stage of life here in hawaii. i have the urge to dig deep, to commit, to rededicate myself to massage and bodywork. it is my gift, one of them at least, and the one that is most accessible. i have three more days at abundant life, and i've decided after that to work on building a practice, getting an office, and taking a workshop or two, there are so many on this island. massage has been the closest thing to my life's work, and though i don't feel complete in it, i know continuing on is an important part of getting to that fulfilled place. part of my problem in everything i do is that i love to start things, but have a hard time finishing them or even getting to 'level 2'. i am a perpetual beginner. but the wheel of life keeps turning and i am more and more attracted to maturity, longevity, and depth.

on a parallel track, simon is mid-way through his apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist. he's always been an artist, and he recently the opportunity to join up with a local tattoist to learn the trade. he'll be able to start tattooing this summer sometime, but it will take a few years, preferably in the same location, to become truly proficient and build a clientele. i figure, if we're going to be together, i might as well do the same. i think it's kinda awesome that we are both 'bodyworkers' from different angles with similar aims--to help people heal, transform, and enjoy their bodies as the vessels for their souls.

my days of ceaseless wandering may be over. for now.

liking where i am

i didn't get it. i was pretty bummed, and pouted around for a while, but i'm over it now. i'm actually looking forward to having alot of time to devote to non-work related things. once i'm done at abundant life, i will only be working 3 or 4 nights a week, so my days will be mine to do what i please. and what i please is a new project...see there's this path out our backyard, and it leads to the ocean where there is a cliff and a beach down below, and no one has been there yet because we need a ladder. well, we bought the rope yesterday to make the ladder, and that's just one part of the project. there's a camping spot there by the cliff, a super sweet camping spot, the kind you could see as home with a little cleaning up and a few tarp structures. see where this is going?

i also took a good long look at the yard today, it's amazing. there's so much here to care for, prune, cultivate, enjoy. i'm digging in to this jungle, learning what is growing around me, and relaxing into where i am. i really like where i am.

worky jerky

i'm sitting around with the animals, trying to think of what to write. it's not flowing like it used to, i wonder why i'm so dry. could be a case of work overload--i asked to go to part time at abundant life, but they never did get around to changing my schedule and i've been working 3 or 4 nights a week at the grill. this pattern was about to drive me batty when i threw a wrench in it's works and quit abundant life. yes, it's been a good run, but it's far too much work for far too few rewards. i mined the most valuable resource there, simon, and it was time to get out. the canary keeled over and i felt myself starting to crumble under the weight of hours lost to the drudgery of the timeclock. this is not why i moved to hawai'i, i moved here to enjoy myself, have an adventure, fall in love.

while i'm quite sure i'll be fine with only working at the grill, there is another prospect on the horizon. surprised by a phone call from the manager at the best restaurant in hilo, i had a really good interview with her last week. i dropped my resume there months ago when i was on the hunt, and apparently they found it good enough to hold onto. if i got this job, it would be similar to the job i had in denver, casual fine dining, upscale clientele, good wine and food. if my earnings were comparable to what i made in denver, my life here would be so incredibly comfortable. i could even afford to go to my brother's wedding in europe this fall. i think i have a good shot at landing the job, i'm certainly qualified, i just don't know if they interviewed someone more charming or funny than me. seems unlikely though, really :)

it looks like things could get pretty settled around here for a while. i have no desire to leave, but i do miss my friends who are frolicking on unicorn mountain without me in colorado. i hope they all miss me real bad.

this place

i feel the whole dynamic of my life shifting, like an enormous swell that has swept me away from the understandable way i was living and washed me up on a foreign shore where i am confused by my lack of efficacy. this could be what i was looking for, the perspective i was hoping to find, but i just don't understand it yet.

i've been doing such amazing things lately--like hiking out to where the lava pours into the ocean, at night, with the moon beaming coolly overhead, the earth beneath me so new my footfalls shatter it's eggshell structure and i feel a part of the process of making soil where life can take hold. the most amazing fireworks display, on display everyday for the past million years or so, a fully average function seeming so extraordinary.

this week is the 'merrie monarch' festival, the largest hula event in the world, hosted by my fair city. i went to the free night before the competition begins when some of the local halau's perform, and it was so moving to see people with traditions, living traditions that are taught to their youngsters and carried on throughout their lives into old age. i envy that. being of white colonist descent has left me lacking in that area.

it's a beautiful day, sunshine and heat lure me out, my daily experience has become much more important to me than this blog. this is good, i am grateful, yet i still want this place to come to and share.

rainbow flops and freyja mug

those that know me well know this--i love my freyja mug, a hand thrown mug that was hand painted with a picture of my cat holding a red ribbon in her mouth like she does. two dear friends had it made for me and it's traveled with me for about 5 years. i am a fan of hot beverages, and it was my favorite vessel. why am i talking about it in the past tense? because i believe it's been lost, stolen by some trickster force from the mansion. i've been told that if the island takes something valuable from you, it's good luck. i don't understand why, but i hope something good can come from the loss of something dear.

my rainbow flops are also gone. well, not gone, but destroyed, i blew 'em out on the lava. their loss is somehow more appropriate, as if they came home to die.

i wonder if that's it? will i lose any more of my favorite things?

'i don't know about you, but i came here to ROCK'

last weekend, i took a vacation to the other side of the island. after a long work week, i was exhausted and cranky as hell as we headed out in the wheeler (my little toyota's name given to her by simon). after a few miles, my head cleared, i apologized for being so rank, and as the sun sank slowly behind the mountain, my heart was bouyed by the weekend plans that had come together so perfectly. see, there's not alot of live music here on the island, so when a band comes that you kinda like, you go or you wait another 6 months for something else that may not be as good. the rock n roll station was heavily advertizing the 'journey' concert for months and i decided to go for it. i never had an album, but i know their hits as well as anyone, so a journey to the 80's it was.

we stopped at the wine store in waimea, got two bottles and two crystal glasses, then ate some tacos and headed to beach 67 to camp by the ocean for the night. we found a secluded spot, tucked in the keawe, and built a fire of little sticks just to keep us company. we laid out our sleeping bags under the stars and simon built a windbreak out of a tarp which worked quite well. the wind and the waves played the background to our rambling conversation over a couple beers. gradually we faded into sleep, smelling like fire, sinking into the sand.

in the morning, we woke up early and walked out on the lava shore that bordered our campsite. there were several pods of humpback whales spouting and waving their arms and tails at us, so close, i could see their eyes. the day was sunny, the water was crystal turquoise colored, and we had many hours to do whatever we pleased. we broke camp and packed up the wheeler, drove to the next beach over where there is lots of soft sand and an amazing reef to snorkel around. we napped in the shade for a while, then moved to the sun to get some heated motivation to get our snorkels on and go for a swim. out in the reef there were all sorts of beautiful fish, sea anemone, and turtles. we swam around together, pointing things out to each other, sometimes holding hands or putting our arms around each other and swimming like siamese twins. he kept making me laugh which is not good in a snorkel mask, it causes leaks!

we had a leisurely lunch at a toursity spot, then headed to our final destiantion...the hilton. our boss had decided to give the produce department (which consists of me and simon) a bonus because things had been looking so good lately. also, i think she didn't want to give either of us a raise, so this was her way of saying thanks. she got us a night at the hilton at waikoloa, the place where the concert was, and one of the nicest hotels i've ever seen. we walked in the lobby to check in, and there were parrots on giant brass rings on either side with signs that said 'beware, known jewelry theif' hanging on the post. there were huge vases from chinese dynasties basically everywhere you looked. there are no doors in this place, it's all open, like living outside in extreme luxury. we took the tram to our room, but we could have taken the gondola that travels through the massive koi ponds throughout the grounds. the room itself was nice, nothing extraordinary, but comfortable with down comforters and pillows, and art that didn't suck. that's one of the things about this hotel, the art. it's everywhere, in all the walkways, gardens, pools (of which there are many) there are statues, sculptures, ancient artifacts, paintings, furniature. the owner had an unlimited budget when it came to art, it would seem. i've never been impressed by a hotel before, but this one blew my mind.

the concert was only a half mile away, so we walked there, got our tickets at will call, and strolled in past the lazy security check into the waikoloa bowl. the concert was fairly predictable, they played their old hits which everyone loved, and their new songs which everyone hated. trying to stay true to their 80's sound made for some sappy rehashing of old chord progressions. most of their songs being love songs, we smiled and kissed alot at the lyrics, and it was genuinely romantic. the people around us were cracking us up--especially this guy to our right who was there with his wife and a bottle of whisky. he kept turning to us when they started playing one of their hit songs and giving us high 5's, hollering and jumping around. he claims credit for the title of this blog post, as well as many other prime quotes, and at the end of the concert, he hugged simon and said he had an awesome time.

after the show, we went back to our room to fill our wine glasses then hit the grounds to look at some art. we walked around for hours, finding treasures, dance parties, pool parties, and star-lit trails by the sea. it was like a wonderland, warm and welcoming, full of surprises and strangers, stray cats and hammocks. entirely worn out, we slept like babies and woke up too late to get a fancy breakfast, so we had to settle for an overpriced burrito on our way out. simon has some paintings there in the gallery which we tried to see, but it was closed, the only real bummer of the weekend.

we came back pretty much in love, which may be what happens when you get to do everything you want to do, all the time with someone beautiful.