freedomvan

is there anybody out there?

2011-11-07T18:03:00.002-05:00

hello blogosphere, i miss you. while i can't commit to coming back full blast just yet, i've been thinking about it, and feeling the need to share my life again. but i'm also in school full time, very busy and not too sure when i can really devote a spare minute to this endeavor. anyway, i'm here. and i want to move back into a van really bad, but i'm caught up in regular life pretty deep right now. will share soon. in the meantime check out the only new link i've posted in a long time-- this guys site: jason from vanabode, he's pretty awesome and his book is full of information which i will review on this blog from my own experience when i have a chance. www.vanabode.com

sold

2010-06-04T05:54:00.002-04:00

the van has been sold! to a very cool chick from chicago who plans to live in it and will undoubtedly take it on many more adventures.

her blog www.tashaviaf.blogspot.com will chronicle the milestones, i'm sure. i wish her all the luck, joy, independence and satisfaction in the world.

what a long strange trip it's been.

thanks for tuning in, wrapping up, and moving onward!

chateau for sale!!

2010-03-22T19:34:00.005-04:00

hello everyone, i don't know how many of you still check in here since i've been off for so long, but i thought it would be worth a try! i'm selling my trusty van, my former home, my beloved companion --the freedomvan. it is parked at my dad's office in central pennsylvania and i intend to have it in running condition before the sale (last i knew it was running great, but it's been a year so...) if you or anyone you know has an interest in this home on wheels, please email me.

it looks like i'm settling down for a while in hawaii, i've lived in a house for almost a year and we will likely stay here for another. simon is having much success as a tattoo artist, and i have gotten my massage practice going and am still working at a restaurant part time. there seems to be plenty for us to dig our hands into with many new projects and plans on the horizon. that's why i've decided to let go of the chateau, pass it on to someone who will enjoy it's affordable comforts and freedoms before they deteriorate. it makes me smile to think of some kindred soul getting behind the wheel and journeying on across america.

for pics of the van look here.

i'm asking $1900, make an offer!

freedomvan@gmail.com

all pau

2009-06-04T23:25:00.005-04:00

this blog has been fading out for a while, and i guess it's time to admit it's all 'pau' (hawaiian for 'over', 'done', 'complete'). wrapping my mind around all that has happened this year, i am so grateful for the journey, the daily unfolding of surprises, and the place i landed.

i just had another birthday--31 now. i remember last year's birthday, my parents came to visit me in colorado, i showed them my van set-up, we cavorted around the mountains reconnecting our family ties, and i began to relax into my singleness. i'd made it to 30 without any serious commitments, why not use my lightness as a birds advantage and take off into the wind? the seed of my next adventure was planted, i would make one of my big dreams come true--living in a tropical paradise.

fast forward to today. i woke up cradled in the gentle embrace of a man i'd given up hoping for, in a place of unending blooming beauty, myriad birds singing me out of bed and into another day of perfection. i can't remember if i've ever been this happy. i don't expect it will last forever, but i'm going to ride this wave to the shore, and then i'm setting up my home there.

from here on out, it's our adventure. i may end up heartbroken, but i'm ok with that, this is worth it. maybe we'll move back to the mainland, pick up the chateau faded rainbow and rattle off onto the blue highways together, and if so, i may resume this blog. but for now, we are cozily nestled in our island incubator, thoughts of leaving far from our minds, and i feel more like keeping my heart a secret than blasting it into the storm of the internet.

until we meet again, mahalo nui loa to you wayfaring strangers, long time friends, family, and vandwellers....

settling in

2009-05-17T20:42:00.003-04:00

on the first rainy day in may, it's time to envision the next stage of life here in hawaii. i have the urge to dig deep, to commit, to rededicate myself to massage and bodywork. it is my gift, one of them at least, and the one that is most accessible. i have three more days at abundant life, and i've decided after that to work on building a practice, getting an office, and taking a workshop or two, there are so many on this island. massage has been the closest thing to my life's work, and though i don't feel complete in it, i know continuing on is an important part of getting to that fulfilled place. part of my problem in everything i do is that i love to start things, but have a hard time finishing them or even getting to 'level 2'. i am a perpetual beginner. but the wheel of life keeps turning and i am more and more attracted to maturity, longevity, and depth.

on a parallel track, simon is mid-way through his apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist. he's always been an artist, and he recently the opportunity to join up with a local tattoist to learn the trade. he'll be able to start tattooing this summer sometime, but it will take a few years, preferably in the same location, to become truly proficient and build a clientele. i figure, if we're going to be together, i might as well do the same. i think it's kinda awesome that we are both 'bodyworkers' from different angles with similar aims--to help people heal, transform, and enjoy their bodies as the vessels for their souls.

my days of ceaseless wandering may be over. for now.

liking where i am

2009-05-02T20:50:00.002-04:00

i didn't get it. i was pretty bummed, and pouted around for a while, but i'm over it now. i'm actually looking forward to having alot of time to devote to non-work related things. once i'm done at abundant life, i will only be working 3 or 4 nights a week, so my days will be mine to do what i please. and what i please is a new project...see there's this path out our backyard, and it leads to the ocean where there is a cliff and a beach down below, and no one has been there yet because we need a ladder. well, we bought the rope yesterday to make the ladder, and that's just one part of the project. there's a camping spot there by the cliff, a super sweet camping spot, the kind you could see as home with a little cleaning up and a few tarp structures. see where this is going?

i also took a good long look at the yard today, it's amazing. there's so much here to care for, prune, cultivate, enjoy. i'm digging in to this jungle, learning what is growing around me, and relaxing into where i am. i really like where i am.

worky jerky

2009-04-27T20:49:00.002-04:00

i'm sitting around with the animals, trying to think of what to write. it's not flowing like it used to, i wonder why i'm so dry. could be a case of work overload--i asked to go to part time at abundant life, but they never did get around to changing my schedule and i've been working 3 or 4 nights a week at the grill. this pattern was about to drive me batty when i threw a wrench in it's works and quit abundant life. yes, it's been a good run, but it's far too much work for far too few rewards. i mined the most valuable resource there, simon, and it was time to get out. the canary keeled over and i felt myself starting to crumble under the weight of hours lost to the drudgery of the timeclock. this is not why i moved to hawai'i, i moved here to enjoy myself, have an adventure, fall in love.

while i'm quite sure i'll be fine with only working at the grill, there is another prospect on the horizon. surprised by a phone call from the manager at the best restaurant in hilo, i had a really good interview with her last week. i dropped my resume there months ago when i was on the hunt, and apparently they found it good enough to hold onto. if i got this job, it would be similar to the job i had in denver, casual fine dining, upscale clientele, good wine and food. if my earnings were comparable to what i made in denver, my life here would be so incredibly comfortable. i could even afford to go to my brother's wedding in europe this fall. i think i have a good shot at landing the job, i'm certainly qualified, i just don't know if they interviewed someone more charming or funny than me. seems unlikely though, really :)

it looks like things could get pretty settled around here for a while. i have no desire to leave, but i do miss my friends who are frolicking on unicorn mountain without me in colorado. i hope they all miss me real bad.

this place

2009-04-18T18:48:00.002-04:00

i feel the whole dynamic of my life shifting, like an enormous swell that has swept me away from the understandable way i was living and washed me up on a foreign shore where i am confused by my lack of efficacy. this could be what i was looking for, the perspective i was hoping to find, but i just don't understand it yet.

i've been doing such amazing things lately--like hiking out to where the lava pours into the ocean, at night, with the moon beaming coolly overhead, the earth beneath me so new my footfalls shatter it's eggshell structure and i feel a part of the process of making soil where life can take hold. the most amazing fireworks display, on display everyday for the past million years or so, a fully average function seeming so extraordinary.

this week is the 'merrie monarch' festival, the largest hula event in the world, hosted by my fair city. i went to the free night before the competition begins when some of the local halau's perform, and it was so moving to see people with traditions, living traditions that are taught to their youngsters and carried on throughout their lives into old age. i envy that. being of white colonist descent has left me lacking in that area.

it's a beautiful day, sunshine and heat lure me out, my daily experience has become much more important to me than this blog. this is good, i am grateful, yet i still want this place to come to and share.

rainbow flops and freyja mug

2009-04-09T22:02:00.002-04:00

those that know me well know this--i love my freyja mug, a hand thrown mug that was hand painted with a picture of my cat holding a red ribbon in her mouth like she does. two dear friends had it made for me and it's traveled with me for about 5 years. i am a fan of hot beverages, and it was my favorite vessel. why am i talking about it in the past tense? because i believe it's been lost, stolen by some trickster force from the mansion. i've been told that if the island takes something valuable from you, it's good luck. i don't understand why, but i hope something good can come from the loss of something dear.

my rainbow flops are also gone. well, not gone, but destroyed, i blew 'em out on the lava. their loss is somehow more appropriate, as if they came home to die.

i wonder if that's it? will i lose any more of my favorite things?

'i don't know about you, but i came here to ROCK'

2009-04-02T22:09:00.002-04:00

last weekend, i took a vacation to the other side of the island. after a long work week, i was exhausted and cranky as hell as we headed out in the wheeler (my little toyota's name given to her by simon). after a few miles, my head cleared, i apologized for being so rank, and as the sun sank slowly behind the mountain, my heart was bouyed by the weekend plans that had come together so perfectly. see, there's not alot of live music here on the island, so when a band comes that you kinda like, you go or you wait another 6 months for something else that may not be as good. the rock n roll station was heavily advertizing the 'journey' concert for months and i decided to go for it. i never had an album, but i know their hits as well as anyone, so a journey to the 80's it was.

we stopped at the wine store in waimea, got two bottles and two crystal glasses, then ate some tacos and headed to beach 67 to camp by the ocean for the night. we found a secluded spot, tucked in the keawe, and built a fire of little sticks just to keep us company. we laid out our sleeping bags under the stars and simon built a windbreak out of a tarp which worked quite well. the wind and the waves played the background to our rambling conversation over a couple beers. gradually we faded into sleep, smelling like fire, sinking into the sand.

in the morning, we woke up early and walked out on the lava shore that bordered our campsite. there were several pods of humpback whales spouting and waving their arms and tails at us, so close, i could see their eyes. the day was sunny, the water was crystal turquoise colored, and we had many hours to do whatever we pleased. we broke camp and packed up the wheeler, drove to the next beach over where there is lots of soft sand and an amazing reef to snorkel around. we napped in the shade for a while, then moved to the sun to get some heated motivation to get our snorkels on and go for a swim. out in the reef there were all sorts of beautiful fish, sea anemone, and turtles. we swam around together, pointing things out to each other, sometimes holding hands or putting our arms around each other and swimming like siamese twins. he kept making me laugh which is not good in a snorkel mask, it causes leaks!

we had a leisurely lunch at a toursity spot, then headed to our final destiantion...the hilton. our boss had decided to give the produce department (which consists of me and simon) a bonus because things had been looking so good lately. also, i think she didn't want to give either of us a raise, so this was her way of saying thanks. she got us a night at the hilton at waikoloa, the place where the concert was, and one of the nicest hotels i've ever seen. we walked in the lobby to check in, and there were parrots on giant brass rings on either side with signs that said 'beware, known jewelry theif' hanging on the post. there were huge vases from chinese dynasties basically everywhere you looked. there are no doors in this place, it's all open, like living outside in extreme luxury. we took the tram to our room, but we could have taken the gondola that travels through the massive koi ponds throughout the grounds. the room itself was nice, nothing extraordinary, but comfortable with down comforters and pillows, and art that didn't suck. that's one of the things about this hotel, the art. it's everywhere, in all the walkways, gardens, pools (of which there are many) there are statues, sculptures, ancient artifacts, paintings, furniature. the owner had an unlimited budget when it came to art, it would seem. i've never been impressed by a hotel before, but this one blew my mind.

the concert was only a half mile away, so we walked there, got our tickets at will call, and strolled in past the lazy security check into the waikoloa bowl. the concert was fairly predictable, they played their old hits which everyone loved, and their new songs which everyone hated. trying to stay true to their 80's sound made for some sappy rehashing of old chord progressions. most of their songs being love songs, we smiled and kissed alot at the lyrics, and it was genuinely romantic. the people around us were cracking us up--especially this guy to our right who was there with his wife and a bottle of whisky. he kept turning to us when they started playing one of their hit songs and giving us high 5's, hollering and jumping around. he claims credit for the title of this blog post, as well as many other prime quotes, and at the end of the concert, he hugged simon and said he had an awesome time.

after the show, we went back to our room to fill our wine glasses then hit the grounds to look at some art. we walked around for hours, finding treasures, dance parties, pool parties, and star-lit trails by the sea. it was like a wonderland, warm and welcoming, full of surprises and strangers, stray cats and hammocks. entirely worn out, we slept like babies and woke up too late to get a fancy breakfast, so we had to settle for an overpriced burrito on our way out. simon has some paintings there in the gallery which we tried to see, but it was closed, the only real bummer of the weekend.

we came back pretty much in love, which may be what happens when you get to do everything you want to do, all the time with someone beautiful.

financial reckoning

2009-03-25T16:10:00.002-04:00

time for a finance assessment.

when i left denver 7 months ago (wow, it was that long!?), i was debt free except for my student loans which go on forever, and an outrageous hospital bill from when i had the flu and went there for 3 hours to get gatorade and saline in my vein. i even had 4000 dollars to start my tropical adventure with, but by the time i got here, i was already several thousand in the hole. now that my cat is out of jail, and i have several jobs, i am no longer accruing any debt, and it's time to come out of emergency survival mode and face the truth, i'm in debt again. it's not as bad as last time, certainly, but i marvel at the ease with which i let myself slip into buying things i couldn't afford. the momentum of my adventure took precedence over my desire to live a cash based life. had i not charged my plane tickets and dental work and cat quarantine, i would still be in pennsylvania. not the worst thing in the world, but it really didn't seem like an option. it's too easy to just put my exciting plans on the card and hope for money in the future. well, now is the future, and i'm feeling the squeeze.

it's too soon to tell how much money i'll really make at my new job, but it seems like a safe average per shift amount is 75 dollars, that's not counting the hourly wage of 7 dollars. cutting down to two days at abundant life will net me approximately 120 a week from that job. if i get three shifts a week at the grill and two at ab life, thats roughly 345 a week for 30 hours of work. still only a third of what i made on a good week in denver, but more than i was making in 40 hours at ab life alone. my quality of life has gone up with this new job, but the bottom line is still the same--not enough money. i'm so tired of money.

so the new plan is this--find ways to make a little more cash on the side (market, herb and oil business, massage), keep working the two jobs, cut down living expenses, make debt disappear fast. the most obvious place for me to cut expenses is to stop paying rent. i don't know how i'm going to make that happen, and at least for the short run, i'm happy to be living in a house i can call my own, but i miss the freewheelin' vandwellers life. if only i had my van here! i miss my cocoon bed, my 8-tracks, my tiny closet and my freedom to roam. but i love the island life too, the weather, the ocean, the lack of clothing, the fruit! if i could figure out a way to have it all....

i realized yesterday, while gazing out to sea with an attractive tall dark man beside me, that i've let alot of things slip away since i got here and i want them back. i want a solid yoga practice, i want my music and new music too, i want to read books, i want to write poems and draw plant parts and go wildcrafting with friends. getting my most basic needs met has swallowed all my time for many months, but it's time to step it up and get my life in the order i like it to be in. i realized that my new love doesn't even know the 'me' i used to be, only the 'me' i am right now which in my mind is an inferior representation. i'm unbalanced, grasping somewhat desperately at the side of the mountain, unsure of where solid ground can be found. but, he seems to like me nonetheless. what a dear.

hilo crazy

2009-03-18T22:43:00.003-04:00

there's alot of crazy people that live here and shop at abundant life natural foods. i don't mean like people who wear crazy clothes, or act like jesters, though there's plenty of those too, i mean the kind of nuts that i cannot understand. people whos reality is so far removed from mine that i label them crazy. take this guy, greg nottingham, for instance. he lives in a hotel by the bay, comes into the store, runs a business (sort of), and goes about his day accepted as one of the hilo residents who is just 'off'. then there's the woman who's been stalking my boyfriend for 3 years. yep, she goes through his trash, brings him poems and pictures, and visits him almost every time he works and talks to him like they're best friends. he should be scared, but after this long, she's probably not going to do anything violent, so we just laugh about it. there's the jehovah's witness we call 'shorts' because he wears drawstring shorts that are a little too short, athletic shoes from the 80's, and is constantly singing christian children's songs like 'kumbyah' and 'jesus loves the little children' while he's shopping, as if the songs keep bad thoughts out of his mind. creep. and don't forget the lady that thinks hawaii's governer is a sex addict who hosts swinger parties in public halls, and so are my bosses, and the girl who manages the chill/frozen department is a prostitute, and so on. it's pretty hilarious, and i have to wonder, are they everywhere on this island? or is it just the cross section of people that shop at the store?

i put in my request to go to part time there and that feels soooooo good. it looks like the restaurant job is going to be good money, at least 3 shifts a week, so it was time to cut down at abundo. working this much is insane, i feel mentally dull and spiritually depleted. my creative juices have been dormant and fermenting. i need some space to regroup.

dethroned!

2009-03-13T04:37:00.002-04:00

one revolution leads to another, and as easy as the mansion came, it went. see, the owner of the place lives in new hampshire and has recently begun to have a nervous breakdown because the house has been on the market for so long and she is ‘out of money’, or as out of money as you can be when you only get 10,000 a month in alimony. she is a compulsive spender, and has finally run herself into so much debt that she is hanging by a thread. this stress has caused her to lash out at the caretakers of her house, blaming them for the house not selling, questioning their integrity, blowing small things out of proportion. then, her teenage daughter showed up unannounced, and all hell broke loose. why was there a cat in the house? why was someone staying in the master bedroom? i, being somewhat of a bystander, and rapidly wearing out my welcome, decided to pull out. it was fun while it lasted, but free mansion living still has it's costs.

as luck would have it, a house of creatively alive folks has opened it's doors to me. yes, i'll have to pay rent, but not alot of rent, and it's closer to town and the ocean. i've spent enough time with these people to know that we will live together just fine, and there's no lease, no commitment, very few formalities. i came across this perfectly timed situation through the new boyfriend, i'll call him simon, who is living here too. the house is a sweet jungle shack surrounded with fruit bearing trees and plants, a trampoline, a gazebo that doubles as a guest room, and a path across a private hidden bridge that leads to the ocean. it's a few minute walk from town, and there are two adorable dogs, rain and muna, who are rapidly worming their way into my heart. the only real downside--there's only one shitter. it's an older house, and that's just the way it goes.

oh yeah, i got that other job. i'm so tired from working so much that it's hard to be excited right now, but i am really hopeful that it's going to be good. i've worked two training shifts so far, and they went great. i think i'll be taking my own tables on my next shift. it's a super easy serving job, and the prices are kinda outrageous, so it should be good tips. plus, in hawaii, they pay you 7 bucks an hour, minimum! that's more than i made in denver as a bartender, wages wise. i think the end of poverty is in sight. what i hope will happen is i make enough money at the new job to cut down to 2-3 days a week at abundant life, or even eliminate it altogether. at the end of the day, i'm only making about 62 dollars for 8 hours there. i'd only have to make 50 bucks a shift at the restaurant to make the same amount in 4 hours. that kind of math is easy. the only problem is i'm not sure how many hours they will give me at the new job. i was hired for part time nights, meaning 3-4 for shifts, 3-5 hours each. i bet i'll be able to work my way in, becoming indispensable and getting whatever i want. that's the plan anyway.

the strangest fruit

2009-03-04T04:14:00.003-05:00

last weekend i ate the most incredible fruit. it smells like a dead animal, or a propane leak from a distance, but up close it smells sweet and kind of herb-y. if it's smell doesn't deter you, it's skin will try to kill you with sharp spikes covering every inch, it's actually hard to even hold. if that doesn't deter you, the price for one might--the little baby one he bought for me was 10 dollars, a regular size one is like 30.

but suppose you get past all that and take one home. better leave it on the porch so the housemates don't get pissed. then try to open it, carefully so you don't get hurt. inside there are pods of goopy, creamy custard like flesh. put it in your mouth. go ahead, it's not really a dead animal. then, the taste, whoa... it's like musky vanilla tinged with fake banana bubblegum then the aftertaste is like garlic. i swear to you. bizarre! so fascinating! it's called a durian, and it's banned on public transportation in the philippines.

the next day, i smelled it everywhere, and i got sick. i don't know if the two are related.

today i spent all day with my friend luis who is visiting from santa fe. he gets props for being the first to follow through on the 'i'll come see you' promises. we went to the black sand beach and took photos of the sea turtles on land, then drove the whole way around the southern tip of the island and up the other side to hapuna beach where we snorkeled around the reef with his camera in it's underwater housing and got some fantastic pictures of a small sea turtle in the water. it was sweet. we're going out tomorrow armed with fins this time faster swimming. having not been to the tropics since his youth (he grew up in venezuela), he's gorging himself on lilikoi, tangerines, and sunshine in this laid back paradise. it's cool to see this island's healing powers at work.

speaking of work...did i mention i make no money at my job and i work really long hours? well, that might all change soon. i have in interview this thursday at a restaurant in town for a serving job. sometimes it pays to answer the phone when an unknown number calls. this could become my ideal situation where i work a few nights (or mornings) a week, and have plenty of time to work on my things to sell at the market and have fun with my new boyfriend. i'm not getting my hopes up, yet.

when you give up

2009-02-27T23:22:00.002-05:00

plans are hatching, hands are holding, and i'm thinking i landed in the right place. twists of fate aren't always this immediately apparent, so perhaps i'm being fooled, but i don't care, fools are always having fun despite the risks.

who is he? good question. i think i manifested him. i'd like to take the credit, but he thinks he's been waiting here for me. either way, it's in the nick of time for both of us. i had filed my desires for a real live right here kind of mate in the 'i give up' department. finally, i had some peace, i would just work on myself, travel, read, and write letters to my caged creature in winterland. i'd lay out my next adventure and plot my solitude like i was already old and wizened. people would wonder what why i never married, why none of my lovers stuck it out with me, but it would seem right, a fitting destiny for an oddity. and hey, for all i know i'll be back on that track once he reads this blog and finds out how contrary i am, but for now, i'm reveling in the possibilities. i'm smiling at the very thought of his eyes meeting mine. i am, for all intents and purposes, enamored.

i think this blog will get juicy again. i think it might get me in trouble sometimes, but i'm going to temper my impulses and think before i post. if you know me, you might find yourself here, that's part of the deal, but i promise to be more thoughtful.

i'm back

2009-02-25T23:52:00.002-05:00

today marks the 83rd day of my hawaiian adventure, a significant day because freyja got out of quarantine and now she is hiding under the bed, though we did some snuggling earlier. it feels like we've been apart for so long, but now that she's here, it's all back to normal. hissing and purring and growling and crunch crunching kibble. i have my sidekick back. or maybe my leader, but either way i feel complete. and i've done a complete 180 from where i was just weeks ago in my lonesome madness. no more do i feel alien, no more do i cry for no reason, no more do i wonder just what the hell i'm doing here... well, almost no more. i guess i've been distracted from all that by someone. and i've relearned that i'm charming, funny, pretty, and my dreams come true all the time.

i remember the day i got freyja from the pound. she was the sweetest, most unique and curious kitten. her markings so soft and symmetrical, sort of mesmerizing. i had never seen a cat like her before, though she wasn't strange, she was my imagination come to life. as we've grown together over the years, she's been like a mirror. those who know us both tend to say we're exactly alike. i guess i can accept that i'm not that nice, i only like who i like, and i change my mind precisely when i feel like changing my mind. it's not a stretch to see that i can act mad when i'm feeling affectionate, like to be looked at but not touched, and tend to inject a little pain into my play. she helps me see that though i'm not to everyone's liking, those that like me do it madly.

in the past weeks, i've delved more deeply into the world of here and now. i've made an important ally, and i have surprising options opening all around me.

one year anniversary

2009-02-09T18:29:00.002-05:00

today is the one year anniversary of this blog and i thought i'd peek my head out to say thanks to all the people out there who have traveled with me this year. i am truly blessed to know you in real life and/or virtually, wherever you may be.

i have not given up on blogging, it's been a wild learning experience, but i am not sure how or when i will continue. there is merit to all the suggestions i've received, and i'm allowing those seedling ideas to sprout in my brain.

i miss the reckless abandon of just hitting the 'publish post' button when i've laid bare my thoughts, though i've realized it's not the best thing for everyone in my life. at least, it seems that way now. i've started to hope that it will all make sense later, and we will understand and love each other better for it.

aaaaand....scene.

2009-02-05T01:48:00.003-05:00

it was a day of thought, reflection, arguing with myself, and a painful caffeine headache because brilliantly i decided to get unhooked on coffee on the worst possible day of the month. i'm not smart. i am probably dumber due to choices i have made and therefore cannot blame my genes or anything but my own poor judgment. file that under 'lessons learned'.

i took a hot bath, steam rising gently feathering the candle's flicker. i fell into a light trance, drifting around in the ether of emotion and memory. after i cried, i thought 'what the hell is wrong with me?' why do i claim to dislike conflict and then go about creating it at every turn? am i that desperate for attention from my family that i have to go about making trouble just to start a conversation? and the answer, i guess, is yes. sheepishly i had to admit that. i'm involved in a constant battle between wanting to engage with them and needing my distance. i make arguments because otherwise we have nothing interesting to talk about, not all that much in common, and i'm not satisfied with only seeing each other at holiday gatherings and spouting small talk. i also don't want to have to hide what i do and my real feelings about things. i feel like, at some point in life, a person should be able to be their real self in front of their family and not have to fight about it. i've seen it happen in other families, so i know it's not unheard of. but, every time i try i regret it. it's better to stay hidden, quiet, unknown, though clearly i'm no good at that. i embarrass myself constantly.

right now, i'm going into the passive stage of it, pulling back and shutting up. i know the aggressive cycle will come back around again, and i have to decide how to handle it. i know this all stems from wanting to communicate, but i must be too dumb to figure out how to do it without being a total ass.

i'm going to take a break from blogging. it's been a compelling experience to write my life on the overhead projector, but it's getting too hot on this plexiglass, and my mistakes pile up faster than i can correct them. i'm going back to the old pen and paper, i have some things i need to work out.

christianity

2009-02-04T00:13:00.003-05:00

if you've checked the comment section of my blog lately, you'll see much spirited discussion between me and a few of my relatives. it's really got me thinking, and i want to put this out there as my intention.

i want to be a christian if god wants me to be one. that's going to take a miraculous conversion effort on god's part, and i'm sure god is capable, but so far god has not revealed christianity to be the way for me. nothing short of this will do, no emails, no books, no endless reasoning and explanation. i know christians have reasons they believe, but the basis is that they just BELIEVE. that's the component i don't have and can't be given to me by anyone but god.

i came across an interesting website today, a blog of a woman who was converted at age 37 through some sort of god attack. i'm intrigued, and i'll be reading her story.

i am an open person. i do not want to deny or contradict anything just because i don't find it appealing. i don't feel empty without religion or faith, so it hasn't been a real motivating factor for me, but it seems to be an area of endless contention in my family. if it doesn't happen, and i don't end up a christian, i hope they can accept that i tried, i asked and i did not receive. and if christ wins, then we all go out for drinks and celebrate.

sunday is for play

2009-02-02T03:58:00.003-05:00

i have a new friend. she dresses in the brightest colors you've ever seen, has bouncy red hair, is entirely unpredictable, at once self-effacing and self-promoting. in the course of one day spent with her i looked at her many intricate paintings, listened to her poetry and prose, sang comic opera with her, heard her sing and play on the guitar a song she wrote, and exchanged stories from childhood both poignant and silly. she was along for my whole day which started at ecstatic dance and ended at a pagan holiday gathering at a co-workers house. today was 'imbolic' the midpoint between winter solstice and spring equinox when the first signs of spring are recognized. this is the source of our pennsylvania grown 'groundhog day' when punxsutawny phil comes out and sees his shadow (or not).

this new friend, j, helped awaken my playfulness again. i have gone through what felt like a dark period of isolation, and it is over now. i am in the land of the living, meeting people, feeling confident and worthy of my community, and fluttering around the island making connections. and nothing brings out the child in me like the hot pink rubber shoes and purple sparkly eyeshadow j was wearing. i felt right at home wearing my green gingham and eyelet dress from the 40's that makes me look like alice in wonderland. i know when i feel good enough to wear that dress, i am completely inhabiting my body, and suddenly everyone is interested.

i met a woman named eva at the dance who is putting on a burlesque show for valentines day, and i want to audition for it. she said she can put me in the show if i have an 'act'. this means i have to put together an act, and quick. i don't know if i can pull it off, i need some input from my actor friends--what should i do? song suggestions? resources to research? costume ideas? this could be the very thing to bring me fully out of my shell. i haven't performed in years, but i have a strong desire to do this. besides, she was wearing a furry pink kitten bonnet, and has tiger stripes tatooed all over her, of course i want to be her friend.

in blogger world news, i met a fellow nomad recently who is visiting the big island for a while (maybe forever?) i always love it when i meet people from blogland and they are as charming as i thought they were. glad you're here christian!

excerpt from the familial realm

2009-01-31T04:08:00.003-05:00

tonight i wrote an email response to one of my aunts who had contacted me a few weeks ago. she was expressing concern about my life and it's direction. i assume because she thought it was going the wrong direction, they don't usually write things like this otherwise. i appreciate her concern, and i encourage any other family members who are holding their tongues to speak up, let's have it out, i'm ready for ya. do you think i'm in dire straits? or more of a twisted sister? haha. anyway, i'm posting my response for you all to enjoy, laugh at, disdain, or whatever.

aloha _____,
i'm finally ready to put this email together, i've been thinking about it all week. you've tapped into an ocean of memories, beliefs, and experiences that have shaped me into who i am today. i will answer your questions as honestly and completely as i can, and i appreciate this chance to get to know you.

you wrote,
"One thing I have wanted to ask you for a while is - What are you running from? I cannot say that I know the environment in which you grew up in. I know your family and their beliefs, their convictions but only you know the impact your childhood had on you. We each have a perception of things we have been through. My view of my childhood is going to be somewhat different than my brother or my sister. What is yours?"

first, i am not running from anything. i am right here, living my life like any other person, i don't really know what you mean by this. do you mean to ask why i don't live near my family? i love them all very much and enjoy the time we spend together, but it's better for me not to live in central PA, i find it depressing and boring. i prefer a life of adventure, traveling has always been a passion of mine, and i want to live in and experience as many places on the globe as possible. that's why i'm not physically there with them. there are also spiritual differences, though i see them more as societal differences because i have no problem with jesus, i rather like him, but the culture of christianity in this country is irritating to me. most of my christian family has subscribed to a collection of so-called spiritual beliefs that i find absurd. there seems to be much less to do with the actual experience of god's presence and much more to do with constructing beliefs about what other people should be doing. 'spreading the gospel' is more about condemning peoples rituals, actions and choices than about the teachings of jesus, and i find that very off-putting.
second, my experience of childhood was altogether enjoyable. my parents taught me the important lessons of honesty, trustworthiness, fairness, and independence, and i think they are proud of me now. sure, we had some rough patches, but that's normal. they always did their best and stood their ground based on what they believed, and i respect them immensely for that. i gather from your email that you had a very different experience of childhood and i'm sorry for that, i'm glad you found your way into my family, they are nothing if not safe and reliable. and i admit, if my beliefs lined up more closely with yours, i'm sure we'd be closer, but something about my family's set of beliefs makes it impossible for them to accept someone who doesn't believe the same things. they are constantly trying to convince me that they are right and therefore everyone who doesn't believe that way is wrong and frankly i'm tired of it. i've been through enough ridicule and shaming and it's not healthy for me to subject myself to it anymore. i know you'll find that hard to believe, but you don't have to believe it. that's the difference with me, i'm willing to accept that we can't meet eye to eye. the experience of being human is varied, and that's what makes it wonderful. we were not all born to be christians, or muslims, or jews. we are all here on different paths and that's what makes the intricate web of life on earth so fascinating.

you wrote,
"I had actually feared rejection from them in the beginning since I was such a horrible person. They loved me and accepted me. They didn't like our lifestyle but they loved us."

this is not the experience i've had with my parents. when i have been honest with them about my life i have been met with rejection, sorrow and being cut-off from them in many ways. i've decided not to share the details of my life anymore because of this. i want to spend the time we have on earth together in harmony, enjoying the things we have in common, not quarreling about our differences. i knew i wasn't a 'horrible person', i was just not cut from the same cloth. i think your experience was due to the fact that you fell into the range of acceptability by the time they met you--you were straight, loved their son (brother) who had been living on the edge, and were moving in the direction of marriage. i'm happy that you feel comfortable in my family, and now that you're a christian, there's no reason for you not to.

you wrote
"I am telling you all of this to say that everything is your life has happened for a purpose. Nothing has happend by chance or mistake. God has allowed you to experience all that you have experienced for a reason."

i know. i'm not a stranger to god's plan for my life. god speaks to me everyday, it's not some mystical experience, it's all right here right now. just because i don't worship the way you do or call god by the same names, doesn't make me any further from her. i don't believe god has a gender, and calling god 'she' is helpful to break that illusion. i don't like to talk about my experience of god with my parents because they would probably tell me i was doing it wrong. exactly what i don't need someone telling me when i'm sharing the deepest experiences of my life.

you wrote
"God has a purpose and a plan for my life that required me to experience the good and the bad. The same is true for you."

again, i know. it's not news that bad exists in equal proportion to good. it's a law of physics applied to the metaphysical realm.

you wrote
"God has made my passion women and teens. To be able to reach out the the hurting and to understand what they are going through. I have truly been there. I can relate.
I don't know what your view of God is or Christianity but I kinda get that you are turned off by it. I am sure there are good reasons for it. I just know that your pursuit of happiness is leaving you empty."

you just explained how your life was so different than mine and now you say you've 'been there'? been where? to my life? no, i don't think you have, but that's not a concern. you are trying to reach out to me and i respect that, but don't try to turn me into a victim who has been hurt by life. i'm in good shape, and i'm deeply enjoying the pursuit of happiness. no, everyday is not an absolute miracle of joy, but who's life is? yours? that would seem to contradict the 'experience the good and the bad' aspect of life. or do you propose that once one finds god, there is no more bad? i found this part of your email to be a bit contrived, why do you think i am 'empty'? because i don't believe the way you do? that's an old psychological trick (one that's surely been played on you too) to make someone believe they need something that they don't. tell them they are not complete without -fill in the blank-. this is precisely why i am distant from my christian family. they can't believe, in fact it goes against the very nature of their version of christianity to believe that someone can be whole without 'christ'. i don't lack christ, i don't lack anything, i am a whole human being, loved and cared for by the same natural forces that love and care for you, i just don't believe the same myths you do.

i don't mean to be harsh, but this is a tired subject for me. i am not offended by what you wrote, and despite what you may have heard, i am not adverse to having an intelligent conversation about religion, i believe we've just had one. i respect where you are coming from and i hope you can at least accept my position.

i hope to have a fun visit with you when you come to hawaii, and i'll try to post pictures soon, my camera doesn't work right now. it's incredibly beautiful here in the tropical rainforest, as usual i guess!

all the best,
stranger

my bf started a blog!

2009-01-29T04:16:00.002-05:00

hey, i'm so excited because my bestest friend in the whole wide world started a blog! he is a talented writer, actor, dancer, singer, and knitter. and i love him so. sooooooo!

www.broadwayknits.blogspot.com

moving guide

2009-01-29T02:56:00.003-05:00

here's a guide for those who wonder how to move to a tropical island.

financially, i suggest having about 5 thousand dollars to make it a smooth transition. this will allow you to pay for your flight and shipping costs, getting your companion animals here, having a place to stay while you find a job, etc. if you have less, it's totally possible, but you will have to be willing to do things such as sleep in a tent and/or WWOOF on some farms, which are really good things if you actually want to meet people and see what's happening on the island. don't worry about where to go once you get here, that's the easy part, getting here is the biggest obstacle. leaving all your things, your friends, your ability to drive to your mom's house, your job, those are the hard things. trust me, the obstacles once you get here are nothing compared to the mammoth beasts that stand in the way of leaving. and yes, you will miss them, but it will be ok, there are lots of people here (there) who miss things, but we're still happy to be here.

once you land, start connecting with people. try couchsurfing, hanging out at the beach, going to bars, frequenting the laundromat or the coffeeshop. you will inevitably meet people who have access to the things you need like a a job, a place to stay, etc. follow up on all your leads. lots of them will be dead ends, you are mapping out your place in this land, don't expect to avoid all wrong turns, failure is just as important as success in this venture.

island life is different than mainland life--there is no where to run, everyone knows each other, and you will have the chance to meet just about everyone. i used to have anxiety about 'missing my chance' with people who could be my friends, lovers etc, but here it is really unnecessary, unless they leave the island. that's the beauty and the bain of a closed circuit society.

most importantly, if what you need is unavailable, try waiting for a while. patience is the ultimate key because it's all here, it's just not all available all the time. besides, how bad can it be to wait it out on a beautiful black sand beach reading that book you never had time for and sipping coconut juice.

cowgirlin'

2009-01-26T02:01:00.002-05:00

today i met my new friend andrea at her free house (no one pays for housing anymore you know) and she took me up to the ranch to do some work to earn a horseback ride. we roll up to the place which appears to be an enormous tent structure surrounded by a dozen thin horses tied to small trees eating out of buckets. introductions are made, cheeks kissed, and the owner of the place, kelie, asks
"do you ride?"
"yes" i reply.
"western?"
"yep."
"neck rein? push with the outside leg?"
"yeah." I say.
"ok, i'll put you on that appy an test you out"

i saddle up a redheaded mare with freckles named marty who seems docile enough as i climb on her, walk her over to where kelie is standing. she points toward the tent and says "turn her that way". i lift the reins, lay them over her neck and she turns, light as a feather. before she gets three steps in, kelie waves and nods, then turns back to her scattered flock of people horses and dogs. test over, passing grade.

everyone's on, ready to go when a mysterious man shows up in cowboy gear looking for kelie. she shrewdly askes him if he does drugs. confused, he shakes his head and they walk off for a private chat. she comes back, mounts her gelding and chirps "traveling", the signal for us to move out.

the first order of business is to move the herd of 'wild' horses from one pasture to another, greener one. this is accomplished with much confusion, galloping, and one horse running through a barbed wire fence. ok, i thought, this is reckless horsemanship, and my senses perked up, ready for danger. after the skinniest horse i'd ever seen was roped and given a de-wormer, we moved the herd into their new pasture and the trail ride began.

picture the deepest blue ocean you've ever seen as your horizon, then paint rolling grass covered hills spotted with cattle leading up to a snow capped mountain, don't forget some puffy white clouds to temper the sun, and a gentle steady breeze to make you comfortable in a sweatshirt. place your feet in the stirrups atop a dashing dappled mare and urge her forward into an easy lope across the lush pasture as you breath in the clean air, smiling because there's nothing else you want to do. this is my winter in hawaii.

after crossing rocky rivers, floating through the downiest evergreens, and riding out the buck before the run, we returned to the ranch for burgers, beers, and story. the people are rugged, the burgers are as local as they get, and the horses are getting by alright. they do this every sunday, and i'm invited. it ain't paradise, but it's pretty good, and i went home sore and satisfied.

it's uncanny how many wishes have been granted to me this week: a comfortable place for me and freyja to live indefinitely, a piano in my house so i can start playing again, horses i can ride on a regular basis, friends who hurt my gut with laughter--i got it all, and i got it all for free.

i've been given the key to the island, and in record time--less than 2 months. this is what makes traveling worthwhile. taking the challenge to find my place, trust the process, and record the memories.

the space of creation

2009-01-23T03:05:00.002-05:00

fate has dealt another card on the table and changed what was a doubtful outlook on the flop to a secret smile on the turn, i'm betting with some confidence no matter what the river holds, though i'm still careful to maintain my poker face, it ain't over yet.

my interim living arrangements have solidified and become long-term. yesterday my mansion having friends offered to share their space with me long-term. i had been hoping they would, though i knew if i had to ask, i wouldn't. i would have rather moved into my little cabin than stay somewhere if i wasn't 100 percent sure it was going to be really cool. i am a little gun-shy to say the least.

i had to think it over, i'd already put a deposit down on the cabin, but staying here would pay for the loss of that in a week (it was only 125 dollars). would i regret staying here and not having my own private hermitage? or would i feel stupid writing a rent check every month when i could be paying off the debt that accrued from moving? my vandwelling ideals surged in my veins and the answer after a good nights sleep and some quiet meditation was a resounding yes, i'm staying! with no rent and no utility bills except gas for the mower, and butane for the stove (the house stove is broken, so we're 'roughing it'), plus guest quarters for any of my friends who come to visit *nudge, nudge*, and the opportunity to live with yet another awesome couple who are about to get married, it all added up to an offer i couldn't refuse.

it's become like my unspoken job to be the housemate who helps the couple prepare for their wedding, this will be the third time in 5 years, and i'm pretty dang good at it. this two are perfect for each other, yet another example of true love found. i'm guessing the reason i keep living with people like that is because i'm not supposed to give up on finding it myself. ok, fine.

my job is ok, i like artfully arranging the produce so it looks like a painting. i felt i'd reached a modicum of success when some japanese tourists took a picture of it. i got another raise, but i'm still making only slightly more than 1/4 what i made in denver.

now that i've stepped up my living situation, it's time to upgrade the income. i mailed off the registration for my business--i am now incorporated. i don't know what i'm going to do with it, the market is a less attractive possibility now that my market friends are no longer friends, but maybe it'd be just the thing to help heal the rift, i don't really know. i have a feeling i'd be better off elsewhere, and trusting my intuition is my new law. there is plenty of space here at home to have a massage studio, so i'm considering buying a used table and doing a little networking in that department.

i'm feeling out the possibilities, and things change by the hour, i'm in the space of creation, my eyes still adjusting to the light.

thoughts on authority

2009-01-20T03:07:00.004-05:00

this week has shifted many layers of belief that i've built up over the years, and it's time to reevaluate. i used to think of myself as someone that got along with everyone, and always treated people with respect; now while this is true in some instances, it's not true in others, so it cannot be actually true.

for example, when i was a little girl, age 9 or so, i was on board the bus leaving my very christian school, wearing my puffy pink corduroy coat, when i saw my music teacher walking by and flipped him the bird. there was no real reason that i can remember, only a generalized need to have more free time, a less restrictive education, and of course it was winter so everything sucked a little. i didn't really want to tell the guy to fuck off, and though i laughed when i did it, mostly out of nervousness, the look on his face disturbed me. i knew i had crossed the line, but only after the fact. my subconscious had violently surfaced and overrode my better judgment.

later, at the same school, when i was about 11, i went into the school library with a few friends and we hauled out the unabridged dictionary, looking through it for swear words and laughing. i decided it would be a great idea to underline some of them and put my teachers names beside them. again, i didn't really think those teachers resembled those words, but i was acting out because i felt like a caged animal. i was trying to discover the world in a place that forbid exploration.

these deeds brought consequences, and the feeling in my gut when i was confronted about them was the same feeling i had this week. i knew i did wrong in retrospect, but at the time i was just doing what came naturally. so my pattern when i'm feeling stuck is to act out rudely toward those i perceive to be in authority. now that i think about it, i can cite many more examples from my past of this very phenomenon. this can now become part of my beliefs about myself, and can therefore be circumvented by careful attention. i have a problem with authority, and i mostly don't need to subject myself to it, if i do decide it's in my best interest to go there, i will be vigilant for clues that i'm reaching the breaking point. just being conscious of its sneaky presence may be the key to overcoming this unbecoming trait.

i want to send out an apology into the ether to all the people i've insulted in this way. and i ask the source of my personality to transform this trait into something constructive.

self help junkie

2009-01-18T13:46:00.003-05:00

i am a self help junkie, i love to read books that offer new ways of organizing and dealing with life, and i love to try out new practices that help me feel different about my situation. maybe i would do better to try to actually change my situation, but i don't feel like ever have much success in that department--aside from moving and changing jobs, that i can do. and depending on the day, my mood, and my current self help agenda, i can feel fantastic about the things i've experienced, or feel awkward, sad, and lost. i've come to realize it's more important to feel good about life right now than to always be striving for the things that will 'make me happy'.

my most recent acquisition is called 'finding your own north star' by martha beck, and it's a guide to using your internal sensations and bodily clues to determine what choices you should make in your daily life that will lead you to your destiny. if you find yourself not able to breathe, or clenching your teeth, or feeling sick, then you are headed in the wrong direction. if you feel excited, euphoric, calm or confident, then you are in the sweet zone. it's a users guide to intuition, and it's really easy for me to feel that, but more difficult to actually put it into practice.

it seems i've gotten used to squashing my intuitive knowledge when it interferes with what i planned to do, or if i think it will be 'easier' another way. this sucks because it never really works out, and i just get further and further from the truth of the universe until i'm way off track and have to push the reset button (generally a painful experience). then i'm discouraged at all the time i wasted when i could have been on the enlightened path. this last debacle is a prime example of that cycle. here's what i knew about this place before i came, but declined to trust:

1. it's a magical place where anything can happen. the veil between worlds is thin. whatever you need is abundant, so is whatever you fear.
2. there are the coolest people here. take for example my friend joe who i met here--one of my favorite people ever.

i screwed things up in a number of ways, some of which i can't articulate yet, but the most obvious to me now--i needed friends, and i wanted to be friends with my former hosts, but i always felt like i was walking on eggshells. this was my sign that i was on the wrong track. i should have kept my distance and not gotten involved in their lives, instead i smothered that feeling and hung out with them alot, then ended up acting like an asshole to get out of it. the whole time i didn't even realize what i was doing and that's what i want to avoid in the future. the earlier i catch it, the better. trusting that first signal is paramount. the problem is, i like to be nice, i like to think i can handle anything, i have a hardy constitution that won't be harmed by abuse. but, those beliefs run counter to intuitive living. of course i can oppose my inner voice, i have the willpower to force myself to do anything, but why bother? i just end up making big mistakes. all because i thought i had to hang on to my current situation rather than find a new one at an 'inconvenient' time. well, see how convenient it turned out to be?

so at this time, as i start fresh, i vow to follow my intuition, listen carefully to the guidance i receive, and not compromise even when i want to for the sake of being polite. in the past year i've been rejected many times, so the method i've been using does not save me from rejection, therefore what do i have to lose by choosing another way? my worst fear is rejection, people not wanting me around, and i've had to face it. i won't die from it, i won't even be crushed. trying to avoid it is like trying not to think about it, the more i try, the less success i have.

for those of my readers who believe in god, what i am talking about is god. i don't think 'i' am god, i think that god is everything, and the voice of god can be heard only when i tune in to my internal signals. this is the source of much argument and discussion in religious circles, and i'm sure someone out there is just itching to tell me how i can't believe 'myself' i have to believe 'god', but i'm here to tell ya, you can't have one without the other. i never did and never will believe that god made us so stupid and evil that we can't trust our own bodies, so save your long winded grammatically incorrect comments for another day.

what goes around

2009-01-16T02:21:00.002-05:00

i'd like you all to go back and read my last post. try to put yourselves in the position of the people i was talking about and realize how they would feel reading it.
i've done that just now, and i don't like how i feel. i have therefore set the new standard for how i want to write this blog--i will write as if the people in it are standing right next to me, whether i know them or not, because that is the reality of the internet. i really didn't think about whether or not they would read it, and carelessly posted a whiny complaint about them. something i would never say to their face because it's none of my business, and not my place to say, but in my own blog, it felt more like a personal journal entry, and that is the deceptive part of the blogosphere--don't ever forget that everyone is reading!
and so, they being who they are, were offended by my last post. so deeply offended and wounded that the only thing they could do was kick me out of their house. i don't mean they asked me to move out. i mean they packed up all (well, not all, more on that later) my belongings and brought them down to my work, dropped them at the front door and in high dramatic fashion told me how they'd 'read my blog' and i was out on the street! my stomach flipped, i was in total shock, trying to remember what i'd said, was it bad? what did i do?! they thought i had 'trashed' them and their kids. they believed i had talked shit about their girls, and were most angry about that, but all i remembered was mentioning their parenting style and how it differed from my upbringing. when i read it today, i realized they must have thought my saying how the girls broke their toys was a dis on the girls. but really i see that as a direct product of spoiling them, not the girls fault. i think they are beautiful kids, bright, curious, with unique styles who have so much potential.
so there i stood, with my suitcases in the middle of my workplace, my jaw dropped, my heart racing, and they told me to 'stay away from them and their house and their family', jerry springer style. by this point, i really wasn't longing to pay a visit, but it all seemed so unfair. was the crime deserving of the punishment? i looked around to try to gain a hold on reality, but i was still wrapped up in the dark anger world, no light-switch to be seen. my sweet co-workers swooped in when they left the store and assured me it would be ok. i was in a daze, didn't know what to do. i punched out, and went to get my car to load up my stuff, and take a break. i called my boss, crying, and told her the story. she offered her house for the night, and i gratefully accepted. she showed me in, gave me linens, some juice, and a tour. a sanctuary in a time of crisis. i called my mom, i called joe, i cried painfully. i just didn't get it.
and then, with creeping significance, i started to get it. this had to happen, i needed to get out of there, it wasn't safe or wise to live there. the owl had given me a warning, and i finally saw what he meant. i had been stifling my opinions, shoving down my inner truth, and putting a nice gloss over the choppy waters of my better judgment in order to keep the perceived financial benefit of not paying rent. this however turned out to be a totally unworthy pursuit. a pursuit like that which is not aligned with my intuition is bound to be sabotaged by my essential self, and the more i cling to it, the worse the scenario becomes. if i had honored and respected my initial hit that i should not be there, this never would have happened. i've become so conditioned to try to be logical that i pushed aside all the clues that would have saved me this embarrassment and pain. to illustrate what i mean by the toxic environment they called home, here is a quote from the comments section of my blog from a few days ago, posted by--you guessed it--eric, the male half of the couple i was living with.

What a brutal ruthless polyanna bitch
this girl sounds like someone who was molested by daddy
truely Scumbag Cunt is not low enough for this piece of dog shit
Attacking innocent children to make herself feel better
what a pathetic semi human being

Kill yourself now and save the world the hassle

after the initial booting me out incident, i contacted them to try to talk things out. i was stunned by their immature, petty response. i thought it wouldn't be too much to ask to have the rest of my things from their house, but the response i got was indignation at the thought that i'd go so low as to try to collect my things, after all i'd done to them. but because 'that's just the kind of people they are', she said she'd bring my food to the store the next day (sounded like a really big hassle), and wouldn't even ask me for the 25 dollars i 'owed' for utilities. i guess all the extra work i put in didn't count toward that, clearly no one even noticed. i may be a bitch, but i'm a fair person, i don't believe in cheating people, or even allowing people to feel cheated. i'd rather just give them what they think i owe them, money isn't that precious. when she came in with some of my food, i gave her the 25 bucks, and the house key back, even though she didn't return my mop, my other jar of peanut butter, my one-cup coffee maker, my laundry detergent, my calenders, or the dress and book they 'gave' me for christmas (a real classy move).
luckily, this is not the end of the story. in fact, it's only the beginning, a rough start to a charmed journey. within an hour of their nauseating public display, i was invited to live in a mansion, for as long as i'd like. free. when a door slams hard in your face, a great big one is likely to open wide right behind you. my new and awesome friends live in a house up on the hill with 360 degree views of hilo and the ocean, a 7 acre property with an enormous lawn, bursting fruit trees, and a trampoline to bounce on and watch the sunset. the house is huge, with 7 bedrooms (one of which is mine with a private entrance, large lanai, cheetah print carpet, four poster king size bed, 4 hundred feather pillows and gold gilded oak furniture), a sewing room stocked with the most elaborate fabric, a grand piano, a massive open kitchen/living/dining room, an ohana downstairs in grotto style with an elegant home theater and sets of french doors opening out on the lawn, all for the enjoyment of us, the people who live here. all utilities are paid, including cable and internet, and all we have to do is mow the lawn--granted it's 12 hours on the riding mower every 2 weeks, but between 3 people, that's nothing. the owner of this house is a wealthy lady who lives on the mainland and is trying to sell the place, but in this market, it's just not that easy to sell a house like this. until then, my friends get to live here and take care of it. and now, so do i. talk about a soft landing from a hard blow. now, instead of just surviving in a cockroach ridden scarcity complex, i get to relax in the lap of luxury until my cabin is ready, or until something better comes along. i'm not ruling out an utterly amazing happening in the next few weeks.
as the days go by, i gain more and more perspective on the situation, and while i know what i did was rude, i don't regret it. i am sad that i am not evolved enough to have prevented this situation by earlier honesty with myself and others. i am sorry i hurt them, that was never my intention. i am still confused as to why this got so blown out of proportion. but i am glad to have a clean break, i don't want to be their friend anymore. i have seen enough.
in the end, i think we all get what we deserve.

going down south

2009-01-13T01:13:00.002-05:00

a lone excursion turned into a family affair, the kids and parents joined my day or rather took it over. it's not awful, but i'd really rather be alone. i am critical of their parenting, lack of discipline, and what i see as general boringness, but there are moments of pure heart, nuggets of beauty in their punk rock mess. i don't know what it would have been like to have parents such as these. i'm grateful for how i was raised, even as i thank my lucky stars i'm not still there with them. solid conservatives, my parents could always be counted on. i never worried about how they would react, never wondered what hell would rain down on me if i got caught, i knew.
this discontent boils down to my not wanting to be here doing all the chores anymore. it sucks to live in such chaos, trying to make order out of it, but not really being allowed to make change. they don't want change, and i don't want to live in insanity. which is why this arrangement works so well--i stay here as long as i can stand doing things their way and when i can't stand it anymore, i get my own place. i don't mean to paint them as difficult, really they're just different. i like peace, quiet, order, calm, clean, relaxing, private. they have two young girls who get and later destroy every toy ever made, play rock band till all hours, like punk rock, and never do the dishes. it's not a great fit, and is therefore temporary.
knowing that i have my own little cabin waiting for me on february first is both wonderful and frustrating. i want to be there now, cleaning, sweeping, playing beautiful music, pulling weeds and growing vegetables. i want to wear prairie outfits, baking bread and blending essential oils. i want to start 'songbird herbs and oils', my new cottage industry, putting labels on little brown bottles and dreaming up ways to put magic in them...
but today, i'm still in this life, and my new favorite thing is is is......snorkeling! we went to punalu'u black sand beach where the sea turtles hang out eating seaweed and sunbathing, and i borrowed a snorkel to get an underwater look. amazing, these creatures are incredibly beautiful, their shells covered in sea moss, they look like moving rocks from afar, then up close they eye you and subtly keep their distance while still managing to not be standoffish. i was touched, her arm a perfect paddling device gently brushed my thin skinned fin, and she looked back, nonchalant, then floated on.
hours passed, the tide rose and we continued on to south point, the southernmost tip of the united states. there were fishermen and fisherwomen, local boys with tattoos jumping off the old boat pulley, 50 feet down into the deep turquoise ocean. california girls doing it too, and climbing up the rusty ladder back to the top to go again. i wasn't so brave, and besides i was too wrapped up in the sinking sun, glittering across the blue miles, making my hair lighter, my skin darker, my heart happier.
on the ride back i nodded peacefully, barely noticing the vog and the asinine lyrics of sublime in my ears.

magic

2009-01-12T04:34:00.002-05:00

yesterday was magic. it all started when i rounded the corner of the house in the morning heading toward my little toyota. the mist was just clearing as the sun pushed up through the trees, my shoulders bristled slightly in the 62 degree chill, and i was arrested by the piercing look of a full grown owl resting on the fence right beside my car. i fumbled for some words, an introduction or explanation, anything, but my mouth felt like an obstacle to communication, so i just shut up and stood there. minutes ticked by, my lips parted in awe. and eventually the owl turned his head, opened his wings and took off northeast, dew flying from his feathers. a warning? an omen? a message? i wondered, and settled on a message of a new direction. things would be changing this day, i should be alert for other signs.
as i mentioned in my last post, my social self was born again, my sense of belonging solidified. and then today, a gift was given to me. a place to live, well within my means, on several acres of well tended land, with fruit trees, richly soiled garden beds waiting, and an octagonal cedar cabin all to myself appeared out of the ether. the lack of obstacles astounded me. is life supposed to be this easy? i did not hesitate. the place is mine on february first. freyja's gonna be a happy kitty!
i bought a twelve pack of beer to celebrate. cleaned house, drank, ate, planned a day out to south-point tomorrow, the only place i haven't been on the island. from what i'm told there are turtles galore, dolphins, and quite possibly other more deadly sea creatures about. the aloha has found me, i am here, i am sooooo happy!

i'm famous

2009-01-11T06:36:00.002-05:00

just by working at the 'natch', i've become a fixture in the community. at least it feels that way today. i went to a co-worker's birthday party and brushed up my swing dancing while falling in love with a woman named...um, whoops i forget, but i can't forget her california legs and that long blond hair. i'm making it a personal goal to get in as good of shape as she is by the time i'm her age. i have a good ten years, but it's a long way to go. she was seriously hot, drawing all kinds of attention without trying, and has now become my role model.
the town was abuzz because the electronic music festival was going on and all day i saw kids in the store with their super cute clothes, dyed hair and smiles. after work i saw many of the same kids on the street, and they all loved to say hi to me, the girl who works at abundant life. i was given a ticket to the show, and all through the night people were coming up to me, recognizing me from work, and introducing themselves as if i had some intrinsic value because i'm the produce queen. i even saw some of the vendors i've been working with. it was cool to be noticed. it feels like my social circle is forming, and i'm much more relaxed about the whole thing. no longer feeling weird and alien. i'm just another spider weaving her web.

today this stuff happened

2009-01-07T01:34:00.002-05:00

today i got up before the sun, quietly put on clothes and made a hemp protein and maca (an amazonian superfood) shake, grabbed my leftovers from 'the garden snack club', a exquisitely delicious and tiny thai place where i ate last night and headed out in the cool morning to work. i have a regular schedule now, tuesday through saturday starting anywhere from 6:45am to 8:30am and getting off eight and a half hours later. i sort of like it. once there, i'm nearly an old hand, everyone greets me and lets me go about my business. i guess they trust i know what to do, and in a relative way, i do. i place the order for the mainland produce, i receive deliveries from local vendors, i stock the produce case and make it pretty, i rearrange the walk-in cooler a million times. i talk to customers about herbs and colon cleansers and (yes, this is true) the fact that there is no supplement that can replace the need for water.
on my lunch break, i intersected with a character i couldn't quite believe was real. a pirate. he was about 80, one regular leg, one peg leg--not wood but modern materials like steel and rubber, a golden hoop earring, a tattoo on his forearm, and a parrot, yes a parrot on his shoulder. he struggled to get out of his SUV but managed to heave himself up on the curb and then turned to me and asked if the tattoo shop was open. i said i didn't know, but i'd find out and knocked on the door. it was ajar, so i opened it and he thanked me as the tattoo guy came on the scene. the fact that he didn't have an eye patch assured me this was no costume. real talk.
when i got off, there was still daylight left so i decided to go for a run, but first i checked my po box and found another letter from my jailbird love. i was surprised because it was only a few days ago that i received one from him. i parked beside the huge banyan tree by the federal building and went to read my letter in the privacy of it's many folds. i want to quote a passage, but in fairness to him, i won't. it is enough to say that he wrote this letter as the year began, looking out on his barbed wire view, his cavernous heart poured out on the page for my pleasure. oh yes, he does stimulate my dramatic side, it's fundamental to romance, and this is by far the most romantic 'thing' i've ever had.
i went for a run, i did all the dishes, and then i cooked a breadfruit--one of the awesome things that grow on trees here. i'm tired, i'm working, i'm dreaming up my next incarnation.

i hit a clearing

2009-01-06T01:43:00.003-05:00

i know a place where the wind is as strong as the stillness, where the sun is fierce as if always threatened that the night sky will outshine him, and the roots don't run deep, they just cling to rocks. time ticks slowly and everything is old. plants grow defensively, holding fast to their rations, daring nocturnal creatures to risk their skin for a sip. where footprints disappear along with laws the further out you go, and a soul is laid bare like the bleached bones of cattle left to sink slowly in the shifting sand.
whatever jungle or city or mountain or forest i race to explore, though beautiful and absorbing, never calls me back like home. the desert, that howling dog, always haunts me.
my father and i had a conversation not long ago wherein we conjured a relationship between ourselves and plants, asking which plant best represented us. i came up with a scrub pine for him, because he stubbornly grows year after year in harsh conditions simply because he wants to and he likes the place he's planted. (my mother calls him the mighty oak, but she's in love with him you know). for me, he said, the tumbleweed, riding winds to new locales just because i can, never knowing where i'm going. at the time, that seemed obviously appropriate, and now even more so in a broader sense because the tumbleweed can go anywhere, yes, but where does it belong? and where does it grow and reproduce?
i was told this hawaii trip was a vision quest, a mountain to climb from where i could see my path with perspective. i'm only a little way up the mountain, but already i can see things invisible just weeks ago. i will continue to climb knowing my home is not at the top of the mountain, but can only be realized in the journey.

i have an idea

2009-01-05T06:22:00.002-05:00

ever get weirded out in your own skin? i feel like i'm coming out of a really strange episode where i didn't feel human, more like an unknown and hated alien. like all my past mistakes were obvious to everyone i met and i couldn't find the redeeming value in my life. i should have done better, i could have been someone amazing. now i'm thinking back on the last week and wondering if i'm crazy? what makes me think i'm so unique and awful? aren't we all having an unknown and uncharted experience here in our earthly bodies?
anyhow, i'm in the light now, wiping away the tears and seeing with my trusty eyes. i may or may not have made an ass of myself to friend A. i just got macked by my housemate. i feel dead sexy because i've lost 5 pounds since i got here. it's a grab bag of nonsense these days.
i went to visit frey today in her quarantine closet. she's doing fine, it seems, and i wonder if i'll have a place for her when she gets out. i don't want to stay here in this house for long, it's not a tidy issue. what it boils down to is this--no one makes money on this island from a "job". it takes an entrepreneurial spirit to succeed, and i have an idea! i am going to open a booth at the farmer's market selling essential oils, herbs, and mini spa/massage treatments like facial steams and foot baths. i see a niche to be filled and i'm tired of working for peanuts. i may not make alot at the market, but it only costs 25 bucks a day to set up and i will be my own boss, it can't be worse than working for 9 bucks and hour. this is how i'm going to take island life to the next level. i'm thinking about what kinds of oils, tinctures and tonics i'd like to carry and i'm creating an inventory list. next i'll make a menu of services and in a few weeks i should be ready to get started. my very own very small business. yay.

out with the old

2009-01-01T23:43:00.002-05:00

in with the new. 2009 smiles on me, though i'm hungover and tired.
i found the perfect outfit to wear to the pirate themed party, on the day of the party, at the local farmer's market, from an awesome local designer, for a very reasonable price. you can't plan things like that. i drank a cup of kava, my drug of choice, before heading out to meet my new friends. smart thinking, i felt invincible, jamming to 80's tunes and ready to party. i arrived at the house of friend A, met a guy from latrobe (the town in PA where rolling rock is brewed), had a beer and assessed the attractiveness of friend A. we left for the party in one vehicle which smelled like crayons, drove up a gorgeous winding road cloaked in the secrecy of night to a place called hawi, at the northernmost tip of the island. the house was subtly magnificent, an old plantation house made of wood with many doors inside and out, broad windows, spacious enough to house a canoe containing a skeleton in the livingroom/dancefloor. music comfortably pumping through the large but simple rooms and spilling out three doorways into the soft grass covered grounds. the people greeted me with broad smiles, a handshake and a kiss on the cheek, a charming custom in these parts. i was not a stranger for long. before i located the bottle opener on the wall, i was trying to open my beer with a spoon when a tall drink of water saw my attempt and attempted to save the day. i let him. dimples kill me, i cannot resist them and why would i want to?
since i didn't understand the dynamic with friend A yet, i returned the flirtatious smile to my savior and lingered when he flashed his eyes at me. a brief exchange confirmed he was pleased to make my acquaintance, then i walked away to give him something to chase.
i met all kinds of people, a brit who rides triumphs, two sisters who were couchsurfing, a dog named guiness, a quirky dance partner, and some girls who were dressed for a mardi gras party. i felt like i had seen the house before, and when i found out the name of the host, it all became clear. when i visited the island last year, i had lined up a couchsurfing stay with him, though i never made it to that part of the island. i recognized the house from the pictures and description. how very small this island is.
the midnight hour arrived and friend A offered a kiss, though it landed more on my cheek, he was noncommittal. it did make me think that perhaps he was interested after all.
then the party really got rolling, and my savior was hunting me down. i would talk to him for a while, then walk away, he'd follow. he was kind of innocent which surprised me, and i couldn't deny there was chemistry happening, though something about him made me feel like i was 16. not altogether bad, but not where i want to be at 30. at one point he lured me out on the grounds to a garden shed with two other people who mysteriously disappeared. he kissed me in dramatic fashion, told me about his broken heart and how he just wants to be loved. standard issue young adult novel material, but i was tipsy enough to entertain him and just ate it up. i didn't want to disappear from the party for long, i needed to leave with friend A to get back to my car, so we wandered back. he asked me to stay, he offered to take me home, he might have even pleaded, but i had already made up my mind. i gave him my number, remarked offhandedly that he'd never call, and left with friend A and guy from PA.
once we were back at his house, friend A made a move. he was cute, it was late, and apparently his ambivalence dissolved. we embarked on an intentional kiss. i wasn't too sure about him, and i wasn't too sure about anything. i went to bed unsure how things would look in the morning. and sure enough, i'm still confused.
friend A regained his ambivalence, i went home and pondered the events of the evening, and then my savior called. from his parent's phone because his got shut off. he lives with them at age 25. again, not the worst thing in the world, but perhaps a sign of his immaturity. maybe he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he certainly is pretty.

bye 2008

2008-12-31T01:27:00.002-05:00

i am thinking of taking a vow this year. people take vows all the time, for marriage, medicine, secrecy, silence, or devotion, but i never have. i have to think it over for the next day or so, then i'll let you know. unless of course i take a vow to disappear....oh, i won't.
the rain has been constant, and there's just more on the way, a huge tropical storm in the south pacific is making for the rainiest weather i've ever experienced. and it's only been a week! folks tell me it can go on like this for 30 days or more. crazy. but it's giving me a sense of winter, i feel ok about staying in, reading, and sleeping late. the seeds of my discontent lay more in the cycle of seasons i've become accustomed to than the actual temperature. we all need time to die and mourn and get ugly, fertile soil is not made by ease. what i hoped to escape was the bone chilling cold that bit me over and over for years with no sign of relenting. i have accomplished that.
i have been invited to a party for new years. though my hermit self wants to decline, my sense of adventure won't allow it. my mission here can't be accomplished all alone in a pity party. i must go out and join in the revelry.
my low spirits have opened up doors. i am still disappointed in myself, but i am determined too. each day is a gift, each person i meet, a universe. how can i not be in love with life? i relearned this.
you know what i'm starting to miss? you know where i think my earthly home is?
i'll tell you later.

ecstatic dunce

2008-12-29T01:52:00.003-05:00

i went to a beautiful dance party today which lifted my spirits. the best 5 dollars i've spent on this island, the room filled with whirling tattooed torsos bearing very little clothes, a vintage toy themed altar, and the persistent beat of jungle/house/latin/country/all-one type music. there's nothing much for fun for someone like me. i'm a simple creature who just wants to be in a room with people who are having an honest experience. my place as a human in this wild and intriguing lava pile is with those people. it's a place i've found many times in many locations. where the freaks call home.
it may be hormonal, but i've been feeling so self-loathing for the past few days. my blog's not interesting, my body has too much fat on it, i'm not smart enough, i don't make enough money, and it seems like i can't even concentrate long enough to finish a book. this is not like me. i am not scared of meeting life head on, but i've been hiding from people, feeling ashamed of myself for not being cooler. i look to my past and i don't recognize the person i am right now, or i don't recognize the person i was, either way it's odd. i don't consider myself a depressed person, and i don't act depressed when i'm around people, just when i'm alone. i always like being alone, despite this. or i think i do. maybe i'm all turned around in this labryinth. maybe i'm just incubating, getting close to being born and being frustrated that i can't break the shell yet. at the bottom of this heart, i think i'm just lonely. i wish i had you here, and i wish i knew you.

a wet one

2008-12-26T04:01:00.002-05:00

i'm living inside water. my envelopes stuck themselves, my dirty clothes discovered a horrible perfume, and nothing ever dies unless you viciously bludgeon it.
last night the cockroaches must've thought i'd be nice because it's 'christmas', one, sounding very much like a mouse, crawled out of my garbage can and i could almost hear it's white flag waving, it just wanted to reason with me, but no mercy was shown. murder. a few moments later i went to the bathroom and must've caught two huge ones in the act--one was overturned and the other was running for cover. never again, adulterers. then, as if they thought i'd be over my rage, one sauntered across the hall with a skip in her step, probably on her way to play the virgin mary in the live nativity scene under the futon. hope she had an understudy.
the water continues today, torrents, buckets, drips and mists. i guess i was crossing the line to think i could dry my clothes on the line on christmas day, let's be real.
i hope freyja didn't drown. she hates that.

my landing pad

2008-12-24T03:48:00.002-05:00

hooray, i got a job! i am now the produce girl at the local natural foods market--abundant life. there are pros--healthy work environment, no dress code/no uniforms, employee discount, potential to meet cool people, mom and pop owned business, handling beautiful fruits and vegetables all day, full-time steady work with health care benefits. there are cons--not much money=don't think i can exist on it for long unless i get some big raises, they keep you real busy and expect alot, no free coffee, no free food, no cute boys (yet).
i don't know how it will work out in the long run, but at least i am working and generating some income. if my past is any indicator, this may just be the first in a series of jobs that leads to the good one. as much as i like the pros this job has, none of them hold water against a job that pays double.
i'm totally spent from a long day learning the ropes as the veggie vixen.

sweet hitchhikers

2008-12-22T04:17:00.003-05:00

i was going to have some kava at the tiny kava shack at the end of the red road where the magic is known to happen when what to my wondering eyes should appear but two small hitchhikers and two backpacks of gear. i picked them up wanting company and the possibility of sharing some kava with the travelers. turns out we'd seen each other on the beach several days before, they recognized me and i remembered their ukulele playing. they were headed to kalani honua, a haven for all sorts of offbeat characters where i stayed last year when i was here on vacation. they joined me for kava since they'd never had it and we walked out to the black sand beyond the lava fields and viewed the lava exploding into the ocean (still several miles away). turns out they're minnesotans, and i love minnesotans. good folk from that land. they invited me to come to kalani with them and use the facilities--hot tub, pool, sauna. on the way there we listened to the rock n' roll station and that devil music convinced us to go get beer. we diverted our direction and rambled through a one lane twister lined with enormous leaves, trees who demanded we go around, and a feral pig who couldn't care less. we hit the beer store with only 10 minutes to spare before they closed (8pm mind you). success bred success and we arrived at kalani unscathed and ready to party. the night was on our side, cool enough to love the hot tub, but warm enough to make swimming feel like the most obvious thing ever. we met people, we drank beer and smoked pot and several hours later, i couldn't find my underwear, but went home happy nonetheless (i was sober by then).
today i meant to go to ecstatic dance and meet up with them at kalani, a paradise for dance freaks, but got up too late and only caught the very end. they were gone. i resigned myself to spending the day being productive, or maybe just going to the beach. as i headed that direction, i saw them on the side of the road, hitching again. 'what are you doing?' i laughed. 'what we do best' they said. they hopped in and we spent the whole day together, hitting lava tree state park, mackenzie state park, and ending up at volcano national park where we hiked, and drove down chain of craters road and back listening to rufus wainwright. i left them to camp there and took myself out to dinner at an overpriced but delicious pizza joint.
a contentment welled up in me, i felt good about being able to share what i have--a car and some time.

oh, whatever

2008-12-20T03:57:00.003-05:00

my self-esteem has taken a hit, and though i intellectualize that it shouldn't be happening, i can't stop it. did i really forget that moving somewhere is painful and difficult? did i forget that my career track guarantees absolutely nothing, so i always start from ground zero? these things look like blessings when they're in the future, but now i don't want to be going through them. at least not every day, but there's no escaping the challenges i face here. the truth is, i love to travel because these experiences sharpen me, but the sharpening means i have to shed parts of myself, and i just keep getting smaller until when? until i'm a useless scrap of metal? i'm ready to recycle myself already. i want to start over, melt down my components into the sea of components, and become something new. transformation.
in many ways i feel just like a child, only it's not cute anymore, it's kind of sad. maybe that's why i like being around animals so much, they don't judge me and they don't allow me to judge myself unfairly. i know my life is no less fulfilling than alot of lives, but i catch glimpses of others who i perceive to have so much more. i wonder if the things i've given up to gain the things i have were worth it. a regret path that is fruitless, i know.
do i classify my life so far as a success or a failure? tonight, i just don't know.

a little let down

2008-12-18T01:19:00.002-05:00

today was not my favorite. i didn't get the job at the fancy house, and i didn't get any other jobs either. the whole day was spent cleaning the house of my hosts because that's what i do instead of pay rent. i'm grateful that rent is not an immediate concern, of course, i never need to pay rent, i can live under a tarp for all i care. it is nice to have a safe haven from mosquitoes though. i'm in that nebulous phase of being in a new place where everything seems like it could be an opportunity, but there are alot of dead ends thrown in there.
i recall when i arrived in denver it took me a looooong time to find a job. i had to clean houses for a while to make ends meet, and then i ran through a few not so great jobs before i landed my cash-cow bartending gig. and that was when the economy wasn't feeling so ill. now here i am on an island with only 130,000 people and the tourist based economy is in the shitter, what do i expect, really? i'm going to a temp agency tomorrow, hopefully i can start making a few nickels to rub together.
that guy that i met who has a friend opening a bar emailed me asking for my resume, so that's encouraging. and i applied for a government job today, my first effort of the kind, it's for a plant quarantine inspector type job at the airport. might be cool, or horrible, but it would be steady and i'd have benefits for the first time ever.
i miss my brothers today. they'd make me laugh and say something awesome.

i had a great day

2008-12-16T02:54:00.002-05:00

things happen on island time. remember that? yeah, i do, but impatience sneaks up like a little jerk and tries to make me forget. i have learned the absolute key to surviving here--talking to people. that's it!
bold and brave as i wish i was, it's talking to people, random people, that i avoid. i'm not afraid of them, i just don't want to bother them, and this is the very issue i am overcoming (due to necessity). no one gets jobs on craigslist here, or from the newspaper, or from walking in and handing over resumes, you gotta know someone who knows someone. and the amazing part is that already i've run into VERY helpful people who want to recommend me just because i'm there and talking to them. like last night at the alibi, i met 'zhena', a heavily perfumed, sparkle nailed goddess in her 50's who knows the bar manager at coquis--a bar i want to work in. she helps people get their medical marijuana cards, a job she got because she met someone who knew the guy who.....you get the idea. she, much like me, is not doing what she is educated to do--she is a college professor but can't get that work on the island. when she first came here she worked at a gas station. she wanted to stay here so she did what she had to do, and now she is happy and never leaving. i tried to imagine what that was like, to be a college professor who, needing a job in a job-dry area, was working for minimum wage at a gas station in her late 40's, and i realized it would be humbling, like if i had to work at mcdonalds. and i then realized that working at mcdonalds wouldn't be that bad, it might be funny. the thing that keeps me from going there is how i'd explain that to the people who know me. an exercise in how my perceived "everybody" would react, but really, who would care? my ex-boss would snivel, but i hate him, so so what? sometimes it's the people i hate who seem to have the most power. i'm working on breaking that useless burden down.
now, back to the island. today i woke up and called parker ranch, a famous old ranch here that i'd really like to work for taking people on trail rides or serving them dinner. i didn't get to talk to anyone, but left a message for the lady in human resources. then i made some tea and sat down to contemplate how i could conquer my fears. just then, the phone rang. it wasn't parker ranch, but a lovely french accent asking me if i was still available to work in hapuna beach. i didn't actually recall what job she was talking about, but i said 'yes' nonetheless. she'd like to meet me at my earliest convenience, ok, how's about in 3 hours i say. that would be wonderful. we hung up and my spirits rose considerably. i got clean and put on a cute vintage dress and the best shoes ever, tied a bow in my hair and grabbed my bathing suit. i was headed for one of the best beaches on the island, two hours away.
the drive starts in the jungle, where i live, with dense walls of green lining the roadway, flowers bursting forth from the tangled organism. the air more like mist feeding the veins of this concentrated jumble of living. a few miles later and i'm headed up the hamakua coast where the land starts to pull away vertically from the ocean. lush green canopies of tall trees, deep gorges cut into the coast like wrinkles on weathered skin, i climb up and over old railroad bridges of dizzying height, through tiny villages with enormous names, and next thing i know i'm in a eucalyptus forest. the grasses are different, less green and more yellow, the jungle tapers off and the mist clears. elevation increasing with visibility and fences appear holding cattle and horses, old bathtubs serve as drinking fountains, and wooden signs mark ranch entrances, just like i'm out west. the town of waimea aka kamuela has a distinctly western appeal, complete with a dry wind, a country store, a couple steak houses, and on it's western edge, parker ranch, a huge holding where the first horses and cattle on this island called home.
past waimea, the lava rears it's head, claiming more and more ground as i go. i've crossed the midline of the island and am now headed down the other side. cactus and stubby golden grasses stake their claim on the lava, trying their damnedest to civilize it. but the further i go, the more the lava wins, finally obliterating any trace of vegetation, a dry black land of sharp rock which seems impossible to travel on, yet the road is. it goes on this way for quite some time, for miles on either side of the road people have 'graffiti-ed' the lava with white seashells, writing their names and who they love and what year it was then. eco-graffiti i guess.
then, a little further north, there are pockets of green, well manicured hedges and pedigreed palm trees frame the entrances to upscale resorts and residences. places poverty is forgotten and luxury is expected. i pass a few of these portals before i reach the entrance to 'prince hapuna beach hotel and golf course' where i turn in. the gentleman at the gate welcomed me to the resort and i gave him the name of the house where i was expected. he repeated it, gently correcting my pronunciation, smiled kindly and opened the gate. i drove in and was transported to what seemed like another time. a time when people drove motorcars and wore finery like feathered hats and monocles, when people had a lovely place in the country where they would drive and eat picnics out of wicker baskets and play croquet.
past several fountains, endless perfect grass, the golf course and hotel so luxurious it maintained it's subtlety, i reached my destination--a private residence with a small yacht parked in the driveway. i rang the buzzer and announced myself as the girl who was there about the serving job, then the gates opened for my little economy car. i got out and was greeted by 'olivier', a tall tanned french man with the ocean in his eyes and an easy smile. he led me into the house, through the massive open living area, past the bustling kitchen and bar and into the small office where i met 'tasha', my interviewer. she was also french, mind you, and leggy and thin and as impossibly nice as she was beautiful. she took me over to the employee tent which is where they eat their meals and take breaks, and proceeded to tell me about the job. it's a gig basically, when the owners of the house show up, they bring their family and friends and we all serve them. they'll be here from december 17 to january 3 and they are served three meals a day as well as cocktails and such around the pool. i'd be bartending and serving along with 2-4 other servers for 28 dollars an hour, 40 hours a week. not bad, i say. i'll have the job if the waiter they had lined up can't do it because of an emergency in his family. sorry for him, but i hope he's tied up for a while because i really want this job!
the interview went well and afterward i went to the beach since i haven't done that since i got here. i swam in the perfectly temperate water, floating like a sea creature, diving into the waves and hearing the soothing yet awe-inspiring sound of the earth's womb in my ears. after about an hour i swam back to shore and laid on my towel, feeling my heartbeat through the sand and watching the cloudscapes whirl and uncurl as the sun slowly set. the oneness of all things was obvious.
peacefully i wandered toward home, stopping in waimea for dinner where i happened to meet a guy whos friend is opening a bar in honokaa. hmmm...wouldn't it be great if they needed me? he's got my number. i'm really relaxing now. i am being absorbed into the flow.

kava

2008-12-13T18:47:00.003-05:00

still no news on the job front. seems the economy here has really taken a hit and nowhere that i've applied is actively hiring except for the natural food store where i have an interview tomorrow. it's for a cook position which is kinda weird for me, but i've done it, and i'm good at it, and it'll at least be an opportunity to meet some interesting people, natural food stores are good for that.
i went to the kava bar to put in a resume (the owner said he can't afford employees) and decided maybe what i really needed was some kava to mellow out the stress and get me in a better space to talk to people. it worked. kava really is a miracle herb, and prepared in the traditional way, as a drink, creates a social atmosphere to share in the effects, as nature intended. i don't know about you, but taking medicinal herbs has never been a social activity for me. i can tell you that it is most inspiring to take kava this way. i listened to the guy beside me "ragu", a slight man in his fifties with what we used to call a rattail, wearing hemp and silk, tell me about a girl he knew who recently quit the natural food store where i am hoping to work. he assured me i'd be a good fit, and once cornelius met me i'd have the job. he came here 5 years ago on a 2 week vacation and never left. common occurrence, at least in the people i've met. then the guy to my left, paul, gave me a piece of fudge and awkwardly tried to ask to buy me lunch. i politely refused, and he left the invitation open for next time. i felt happy to have changed my attitude from moments before--stressed, worried, needing things--to the state i was in now--open, calm, receiving things. kava dude, for real.

the alibi

2008-12-11T04:58:00.003-05:00

after a long day of dog bites, cleaning house, bad pad thai, and a painful but necessary conversation with a loved one, i headed to the bar. the closest bar to my place of existence is called the alibi. perfect, i need one of those. turns out it was just moving through time waiting for me to show up and join in. paul, who i perceive to be the neighborhood drunk (affectionately) walks in right after me, haggles lightheartedly with the barmaid and buys me a drink. i meet a huge black man named jay who is very interested in what i am reading, vows to read it too and chat about it next time we see each other, like oprah's book club and shit. he buys me a drink. then i analyzed the handwriting of richard, the german/hawaiian christian who knows chinese astrology. he told me he was 44, but then told me he was lying, really he was 49, and a virgo born in the year of the boar. apparently i'm a double horse gemini, because gemini is the sign of the horse as well as the year i was born being the horse. cool because i'd rather be a horse. we talk about how jesus is cool, but alot of christian stuff is dumb. he buys me a drink.
then paul, the japanese/coloradan told me i was a pretty cool haole for being at the alibi in my first week on the island. i'm gonna make it here he says. i tell him i'm just a barfly, but he doesn't buy it. he's convinced i'm special. i'm convinced i've found my bar. cheers.

how to move a cat (or dog) to hawai'i

2008-12-10T04:23:00.002-05:00

getting freyja to the island was what i perceived to be the biggest challenge in moving here. i didn't chose the most economical, thinking persons route, i did it the hard way. and for those who are curious, here are the steps i took, what they cost, and where they landed kitty and me.
1. read the quarantine manual from the official hawaii website--like most government issued documents, a mess of confusing incomplete information that must be pieced together. i realized her rabies vaccine was overdue and this might destroy all my plans. crossed fingers, hoped for best.
2. made a vet appointment to have her microchipped, blood drawn for the OIE-FAVN rabies titer which must be sent to a lab in kansas, and rabies vaccination update. cost $200. if they give the rabies vaccine before the blood is drawn for the test, a false positive may occur. make sure they do it in the right order, or vaccinate 21 days before drawing the blood. pre-planning makes it all easier, but i would have none of that.
3. showed up at airport with cat. when going through security, you are required to take your animal out of it's carrier and carry it through the metal detector with you. luckily, freyja tends to go into a frozen shell when terrified, so she meekly allowed me to carry her and drag her in and out of the carrier. flew on american airlines to seattle. they don't require any health certificate for flights in the 48 states. i took her in a soft sided carrier in-cabin with me. cost $100 for flight, carrier cost $20.
4. made a reservation with the satellite quarantine station on the big island. otherwise she would have had to stay on oahu in the state facility. i figured she might never forgive me for that. the 'bar king dog kennel' was very helpful in putting together all the loose ends. they make all the arrangements once the animal has arrived at the honolulu airport. had to put a 50% deposit down on the affair. cost $700
5. a health certificate must be obtained within 10 days of travel to hawaii. at this visit, we got a frontline flea treatment, leukemia and parvo vaccine, a general checkup, and an acclimation certificate which states that the animal can withstand periods of cold down to 20 degrees and heat up to 85 degrees, otherwise the airline won't let your animal fly if the temp is out of the federally approved range or whatever. cost $87
6. mailed a packet of paperwork to the honolulu quarantine headquarters. this contained the "dog/cat import form", original health certificate, proof of last 2 rabies vaccinations, and a money order for them. cost $224 plus postage.
7. showed up at airport with cat. this time she had to go in a hard crate because she was going under as luggage. there is currently no airline that flys to hawaii that allows pets in-cabin. in fact, hawaiian airlines was the only carrier i could find that would fly animals at all. again, she had to be taken out of her carrier for them to inspect and metal detect it. she nearly poked her claw through my jugular when the dufus doing the inspection decided to pet and baby-talk her. thanks buddy. cost $225 for flight, carrier cost $34.
8. upon arrival in honolulu, i walked to the airport quarantine holding facility to make sure she survived. they were very kind and helpful. had to say good bye for a few days.
9. waited for the bar-king kennel to call and say she'd arrived. it was two days later. i went right over to see her. she was badly shaken, had her horrified eyes on, and would barely come out of the cave they made for her. i was really sad and all kinds of yappy dogs were shrieking in our ears. i wondered why i did this to her.
10. a week later, she's doing much better. not that she likes the place, but she's tolerating it, eating plenty, and today she PURRED! i really missed that sound. she'll be in the kennel until february 24th. that's less than 3 months which is the best i could do with my limited forsight. the earlier you get the OIE-FAVN test done, the shorter the quarantine. if it's done 4 months in advance, then there is no quarantine, but as you all know, planning is not my forte. cost $642 left to pay before she gets out.

i don't want to add it all up. i know it's insane.

playin games

2008-12-08T03:42:00.002-05:00

i just played parchesi and two rounds of scrabble back to back while drinking beer with my housemate. the second round of scrabble, i had a strange idea to ask if we could play in 4D--or where you can make words go in any direction, not just two. i never played that way before, and i don't think it's normal at all. it was super fun though to be able to modify the rules. scrabble 4D, the next level...
i had a thought about my ex-eric yesterday and lo and behold he sends me an email today. i don't know what to say to him really. i've been hurt and slightly humiliated by him, which is not altogether a lesson i didn't need to learn, but i just don't know what he wants from me. i tried so hard to stay in contact, and he shunned me. that's hard to swallow, even if i did deserve it. and now he says he hopes i'm happy. well, yes eric, i'm happy living on this island. the whole depraved cycle where you entered my life started here. i went back to the beginning to start again. but no eric, it's not a guy thing--girls like to ride fast on motorcycles too. and i don't know where i am now. i can't tell which cycles started over and which were discarded, my whole life is wrapped together in a spiral of unrelenting complexity.
i heard a song a few days ago that seemed so perfect--oingo boingo's "mary". i was riding in my friends car with the warm wind flowing through my hair, and it carried me through a parallel trip on marys and my own life. it was one of those moments more common in youth when you think everything is about you, and i enjoyed the feeling i got for a while. it's fun to play the lead in my own life.

nuts and bolts

2008-12-07T02:29:00.002-05:00

poking my beak out of the shell and into a new life is always a little frightening. emotions i felt last time i started over come rushing back and i'm left feeling like i've gone backward in my development. here i am again, looking for any scrap of a job, eeking out my last dollars and not knowing when i'll have income. haven't i worked hard enough to not have to do this anymore? well, no, i haven't. i've started a movement to celebrate the meaningless job, and while it's benefits are many, getting a new job easily isn't one of them. it's a crap shoot--maybe i'll find the perfect no-brainer, tip jar busting bartending job, and maybe i'll slave away as an underpaid, over-responsibilitied barista in a mangy coffee shop, with the meaningless job, one takes what one can get, especially in this economic meltdown. so far, i've got a "come back next week" from the tuscan (italians can't resist me) restaurant in pahoa, an interview tomorrow at the food co-op, and a whole lot of "times are tough, sorry". not bad for my first week.
i bought a car today. a 1988 toyota tercel hatchback that is awesome. $800 dollars, 109,000 miles, new tires, bitchin' stereo system, a little oil leak, and 35 miles per gallon, not a bad deal. i was in love with another car earlier this week, but i took the path of practicality instead. the 1981 datsun 280zx was hot, and it might have run ok, but it was my hearts desire, not my heads...sigh. oh well, i won't feel like night rider, but i will be able to have more than one passenger.

checklist

2008-12-06T03:44:00.002-05:00

things to remember when moving to a tropical island:
1. you won't wear your sweatshirts
2. you won't wear socks
3. you will sweat in december outside
4. you will get eaten by mosquitoes
5. you will surprise cockroaches when you turn on the light
6. everything takes longer, just wait
7. you won't find what you want at the store
8. you'll pay 50% more for it when you do
9. you still won't miss the mainland
10. you will feel like a kid on christmas every day

land of lava

2008-12-04T20:18:00.006-05:00

i made the right decision. every morning i wake up and wander out in the humane chill for a stroll in paradise. the jungle reminds me of western washington where food grows on trees and bushes, but instead of blackberries and apples, it's mangoes and thimbleberries. i like being supported by the plant life, my life is being encouraged. this trip has handed me an important piece of understanding--no matter where i am, life amazes me. i'm a perpetual child, and now that i've learned how to get around this world, i just love exploring more and more. i'm not settling down. i am active. and getting eaten by mosquitoes.
my generous hosts (eric and michelle) took me on a walk today through hawaii paradise park to the shore which is mostly smooth (pohoehoe) lava. the smell of the ocean, the mist on my face, the awesome power and constant motion of the waves thoroughly filled me. i can't really fathom that this is my new home, here, where people swim with dolphins and crap like that. i've never lived near the ocean before and i feel like i'm on vacation.

goodbye mainland

2008-12-01T17:42:00.002-05:00

i'm sitting here doing nothing, but i'm leaving at 4:30am in the morning to catch the shuttle to go to the airport to move to an island with two suitcases and a cat. i feel like i should be freaking out, or packing, or doing something at least. but this is my last day to do nothing, so i'm doing it. tomorrow will begin the new phase, job search, transportation plan, setting up home. i might buy a van to live in. i might buy a sports car and live in a tent. i might rent an apartment or cabin and ride a bike. all options are appetizing. i'm hoping my contacts there will help me decide. i'm really hoping to find a cool job that isn't too annoying and makes me some decent money. today--it's all hopes and wonder, tomorrow reality hits. on the edge of the diving board, ready to bounce and dive in.

everybody's mom

2008-11-29T16:11:00.003-05:00

growing up, my mom embodied all there was to being a mom. she was comfort, love, food, protection, intelligence, and money. as i grew, i figured out she had needs too--for me to behave in public, not swear, be modest, and basically act like a baptist. i didn't come to those realizations by force, i just would never want to embarrass my mom. mom never tried to embarrass me either, though it happened naturally sometimes as it does with all kids i guess. she taught me to be a good listener by never interrupting me, a quality i've adopted and value highly. she never made me responsible for her happiness, nor did i ever worry about her mental health. she can take care of herself, though i do have the power to make her sad or disappointed, i'm not the pillar of her self esteem.
this thanksgiving, i was not with my mom, but i had the chance to observe two of my dear friends with their moms. seeing what traits they've taken from their moms, and how their personalities were shaped by their interactions through the years shed light on the much discussed, often painful mother-child relationship. some moms allow wildness, but require emotional support; some moms don't let you get a word in unless you interrupt, some moms can hang out with your friends, and some would never want to. how my friends and i interact can be directly traced to how we were treated by our mothers.
today i thank my mother for being strong, solid, and true to her beliefs. even though our lifestyles are fairly divergent, i have the utmost respect for her and i hope i've inherited her integrity.

what now?

2008-11-25T17:23:00.002-05:00

how can the life i live be fair? i was born a privileged white female. my family is decidedly middle class, i never suffered hunger or cold or lack of education under my parent's care. the advantages i've had are unheard of to most of the world's population. and here i am, moving to hawai'i because i want to, because i chose to. being able to do this brings up lots of questions like what is a person supposed to do with their privilege? how can i make my freedom to travel a good thing for the world? am i just being selfish? the native hawaiians who are trying to re-establish their nation's sovereignty don't want me there, i'm just another cog in the wheel of colonial oppression. would i be a better person if i went somewhere i was actually wanted? who can say who belongs where?
as i shift my focus from my own disentanglements, the larger social constructs take the lead. i am happy to be out of the capitalist/consumerist mindset of numbness, and now i have to do something with it. with awareness comes responsibility.
i fly in one week. the most challenging part (i think) is over--freyja is all vaccinated and microchipped and ready to be hauled across the pacific. taking an animal to hawaii is not an easy task, and this challenge was the test to see how bad i wanted to go. the way this whole trip evolved is something i could not envision when i left denver. further proving that an unknown plan is operating behind the scenes, i am but a pawn.

bus and baby

2008-11-22T00:09:00.002-05:00

riding the greyhound through the cascade mountains, through the high desert of central washington, and into the pine tree forest that surrounds spokane, i'm taken back to one of my homes. i spent my time here years ago, before massage school, before i took my bartending career seriously, before i had any sign of wrinkles. my friends have just had a baby, and i'm here to introduce myself as "aunt" to a young one who's mother is an only child and who's father has only brothers. i am part of a network of women who are sisterless, and we fill in that role for each other.
the bus ride was the second long one i've taken in this meandering trip through my far-flung friendships, and as i've come to expect, it was incredibly interesting to see who was traveling with me. i met a mexican guy who was headed to atlanta georgia, another who was going to south carolina, and a couple who were headed to texas. all of them would be on a bus for days, and i wondered how they justified that. i've always figured it would cost me more to feed myself and go stir crazy for days than a plane ticket would set me back. maybe they're afraid of flying? maybe it is enough cheaper? maybe they're illegal, and couldn't produce the identification to fly? i didn't ask.
november has been easier than expected. i haven't even noticed the cold, though i am getting tired of wearing the same sweatshirt every day. i'm purchasing my plane ticket to hawaii tonight...it's the final step that seals my fate. pele has something to tell me, and i'm so ready to settle in and listen. to have my own bed again, a job, a place to get to know, the past few months have tilled the soil (soul) and it's time to plant.
**any of my spokane friends who are reading this--if you want to hang out tomorrow, i'll be strolling about with shan and geo.

obey the day

2008-11-20T14:49:00.002-05:00

allowing the weather to dictate my days, yesterday the sun invited us to climb the mountain to the one old growth douglas fir, it's bark scarred from several fruitless blows of the axe and saw; this one blusters it's orders to stay indoors, write letters and organize.
i'm campaigning for the cause of handwritten letters. yes, i'm an old fashioned type who would rather ride a horse than drive a car, rather cook on cast iron than teflon, and believes a homemade pie is not a homemade pie without a homemade crust (duh). i also have a penchant for mystery and longing. both of which are quite at home in the land of letters. there is nothing so romantic as a piece of paper that has traveled across oceans, mountains, highways, and rivers to arrive in one's own mailbox. for those love-lorn souls who fancy a simple (but not easy) way into a heart from a by-gone era, there is no better way.
i've noticed i'm not the most lovable person face to face. i always seem to screw things up by getting weary of the person, or failing to love them good enough. this doesn't seem to be a problem when the one who loves me is thousands of miles away writing furiously from a cage. while i sometimes lament my singleness, i know that i am single because i haven't learned how to be coupled yet. this letter affair is a slow, torturous tutorial in how to articulate the terms of love, and how to build the framework of a relationship. enjoyable? yes. satisfying? not at all. it's all a tenuous balance on a high-wire surrounded by the abyss of folly. but i'd rather take my chances than stay home.

c'mere world

2008-11-18T14:44:00.002-05:00

today i begin to broaden the view of this blog, this mind, this life. i've spent the past year, and many other years in my life just getting out from under burdens, obligations, and debts; always managing to keep my head above water, but not much else. my friend sarah says that's very grown-up of me since many people have their parents bail them out, have money from an inheritance, or rely on someone else to pay their way much of their twenties. i feel like the price i paid for learning this self sufficiency was not learning my true calling, not knowing my special strengths. things other people learned while relying on their financial supporters, i never had a chance to. i've been assured it's not too late, i just switched the order of learning. many of my friends are just now learning how to completely financially support themselves, but i envy the fact that they know what they really want to do in life. getting free from oppressive debt was the first step to giving myself space to grow into the adult i want to be. now, that weight off my shoulders, i'm feeling a little lost, like all i've really learned in life was how to be a good worker bee. i want to be more than that now, but i don't know where to start. more advice from sarah says that one of my great strengths is curiosity and the ability to talk to all walks of life. my varied experiences give me ease in relating to the working class, yogis, college students, cowhands, drunks, dreamers, lawyers, bodyworkers, hobos, artists, thinkers, homeless and more. i wonder of what use that is, but i'm not going to let that discourage me. i'm going to make my hawaii adventure into an art project. i want to document my experience and share my perspective. i want to filter the seemingly random lessons i learn each day into something coherent and thought provoking. maybe i'll interview people i meet and take their picture, doing a series using the same questions, like "who are you?", and "what do you think about most?". maybe i'll do some naturalist studies, like what comprises the jungle floor, or how to identify different species of bananas, or what plants were native to hawaii and how they got there. it's infinite. i want to spend a nearly equal amount of time with people and without them. i want to work enough to feel financially stable, but not so much that i have no time to volunteer on something fascinating-- my own study or someone else's.
this is where the blog takes a turn. i've extricated my body and mind from the trappings of "normal" obligations. i'm a free agent. this is where the lens zooms out and i find my newly unstuck self in a bigger picture.

more ny

2008-11-12T17:37:00.002-05:00

i might love new york, ok? maybe it's just that my bf lives here, but it's been an eye-opening experience, and i realize i could live here. here in one of the largest cities there is, and i don't like cities. what's the deal with that? oh well, i'm open to surprising myself.
last night we got invited to an opening party for mike burbiglia, a comedien with a show off-broadway and complete with celebrities and free beer it delivered an authentic ny experience. tonight we are going to see "equus" on broadway, it's a show with live horses and daniel radcliffe, the star of the "harry potter" movies. i can't really afford it, but i also can't afford to pass it up since lord knows when i'll be in new york again. all this and i finally feel comfortable riding the subway, like i won't get lost just by going down the stairs.
i went to a yoga class today, and wouldn't you know it, i feel so much better about the trajectory of my life. funny that.

i will be back

2008-11-11T12:22:00.003-05:00

here in my best friend's renegade loft in harlem, i rediscover who i am, who i have been, and with great hope, who i will be. funny how the deep lines of friendship ore get mined when we're together, precious things i forgot re-ignite passion for treasures i lost track of. he renews my fervor for digging. reminds me there are things we buried, things hidden just for this day to come back for. and in the process, discover new wells of inspiration, new laughter mines, refreshing ourselves with each other. gee whiz, why didn't i come sooner?!

yes, i know there were other plots to be tended, other lessons to be learned, other friends to combine with, but this one's my favorite! i'm so happy being an adult doesn't mean i don't need a best friend anymore. kids have best friends because they're awesome, and that doesn't necessarily change with age.

i feel completed on the east coast. ready to leave and fly west, where my home awaits. i watched a western the other night and the scenery really got to me. i love the way the light hits the weathered wood and sand. i could smell the desert subtly beckoning, luring me back. though i head to the jungle, the beach, and the ocean, i will be back, american west, of that you can be sure.

russians

2008-11-09T20:38:00.002-05:00

i'm spending lots of time with russians. two in particular, but there are others on the outskirts. they have a certain something about them that is uniquely russian, something i am very fond of. these two are classic people with fashion tastes quite un-american, compelling, intriguing, my favorite. literature. cold nights and accepted agony. i'm sure they will laugh at this.
i made an instructional video with lea, the mountain jew, for about.com. it will make her some money and i had fun doing it. we rode bikes and hiked one of the many gorges in ithaca and she told me what she knew of geography and glacial dance moves. i could go on talking to her for hours.
i am wasting time waiting for inspiration. the block exists, i exist behind it. i don't really know what i'm doing. i feel stifled by needing to be kind.

i'm going somewhere

2008-11-08T23:02:00.003-05:00

first let me say that the british comedy "little britain" is dominating my life right now so everything is tinted with a bit of brit wit. that's a good thing since the weather is getting to me, the clouds, the cold, the lack of leaves on trees. my skin is flakey and hangnaily. this dose of winter is good for me, like a preventative medicine that will help me enjoy the coming health.
i'm going to see andrew in nyc this week and i can't help smiling when he's in my mind. only a few more city days before i land in the land of no cities. i might as well soak up the asphalt aroma, pay the tolls and enjoy access to everything one can buy. there will be much time, perhaps alota much time to kick back island style, so this week i'll pretend i belong here.
in one week i will fly to seattle.
in three weeks i will fly to hawaii, where i wanted to go all along. sometimes i should just listen to myself when i first think of something, not wait and hem and haw and make it so much more difficult.

taking stock

2008-11-05T21:10:00.002-05:00

sinking in slowly, the realizations pile up...i have to go back to pennsylvania to get my tooth fixed (again), i'm really broke but i still have lots to do before i get a job, i'm getting lonelier, i'm in love with him again. the balance of joy to problems is reasonable, but maybe i'm carrying the load wrong. i miss the van and the simplicity it afforded me. i was off on my own, and often melancholy, but i could deal with each situation case by case, now it's all jumbled up and stretches on forever intertwined with lovers, family, friends, history, and future. this is all leading up to me being alone in a strange place again and i suppose i'm going through it to make me happy to be able to catch my breath once i am there.
in the meantime, i'm helping joe and friends build their cottage/shed so he can live there for a while this winter. i encouraged him to make a go of it since it would afford him the ability to live rent-free (a specialty of mine) for a while this winter while he figures out life. i may be headed into a rent paying situation, but i will always vouch for the viability of the free life.
i'm spending an inordinate amount of time staring at this screen and i just don't know what to say. today i feel helpless, tomorrow i must begin again.

halloween in ithaca

2008-11-01T21:31:00.002-04:00

this place absorbed me like a drop of blood on a cotton ball. the old ways abound, and all hallow's eve is certainly cause for celebration. as the evening set in, we rode our bicycles to the commons and joined up for a costume crusted critical mass, a bicycle event wherein as many as can be gathered (in this case about 35) ride their bikes through town in a mass too large to be bullied by cars. taking our share of the streets to help raise the visibility of bicycling. lucky for me, this town is very bike friendly and people were clapping, cheering, hooting and generally raising a rukus for us as we passed. it felt like i was in a spontaneous parade, smiling and waving at the many colorful characters on the street.
when the sun went down, i became a unicorn and attended to the trick or treaters while dinner was made. i helped construct a costume for joe--a rainbow complete with clouds and a pink and purple wig. after all, what goes with a unicorn? a rainbow.
it was an unseasonably warm night, perfect for running around outside and several parties and later, we found ourselves standing in front of a bar drinking wine from my pocket and dancing with the madness. a procession with a giant squid puppet marched up the sidewalk, they had two leashed goats, a fire breathing frankenstein, several old crones and a destination--the graveyard. we joined them of course. entering the ancient graveyard, someone blew a rams horn, it's eerie howl capturing the scene appropriately. they hung a pinata and with one blow it burst into confetti of liquor bottles and candy. we tumbled around and played with the goats and suddenly our friends from 4 hours earlier walked up. they had come to the graveyard just to see what was happening.
it was pretty much the most fun halloween i've had in a long time. oh, and it was the second fun halloween i've had this week. why is it the less planning i do, the more perfect things are?

winter cometh

2008-10-29T12:20:00.002-04:00

the first snow has fallen in my corner of appalachia. a signal of my impending departure. it feels good to see the flakes fly since i know i don't have to endure the whole winter here. i am aware of that familiar dread, but it can't sink into my heart this year. i've skidded to a place of rest after all that work i did this past year, and i finally feel like i'm moving at the speed that suits me. i'm no longer pushing myself through a rough patch, i'm just walking on the ground noticing the beauty around me. this is my life. this is how i really am.
i'm almost entirely packed, just a few little details to arrange when joe gets here. my parents have been so generous to me, they have provided enough nooks and crannies in their house to safely store all the items i can't take with me but might need later. they've taken me to lunch almost every day and given me a furnished apartment to live in and a car to drive around. i'm a lucky person, and i get to feel like a kid. a kid that's taken care of, loved, needed. this visit to home was just the right thing to prepare me for the rest of my journey. all my medical, dental, optical, emotional, and familial needs are taken care of and i'm ready to strike out on my own again.
last night we had a poker game that served as my going away gathering. we used to play almost every week when i lived here 5 years ago, and the same guys that came then got together last night in my brother's basement. there is something so deeply fun about sitting around a table taking each other's money, telling stories and drinking beer.
after the game, my brother and i stayed up talking for a long time. he gave me 4 boxes of 8-tracks! he swears he told me about them before, but i don't remember. there's about 80 tapes, all country, all in excellent condition. i'm thrilled. i will have to have them shipped to me when i get to where i'm going, because there's just no room in the suitcase, but they are going to be hours and hours of fun. i'm a nerd.

standing in my way

2008-10-27T15:09:00.003-04:00

frustration is the name of the day. i set aside this day to visit my friend in prison, but the brilliant government system intervened and halted my progress. no where does anyone tell you that an inmate is only allowed 5 visitors a month. you only find that out if you do all the work to be approved and then show up and get your van searched while you stand in the cold and then go in and oops! you're the 6th visitor this month. go away and try again later. oh? you're not from here and you traveled across the country to see him? too bad, go away, come back next month and we'll see. seems like a little bit of information they could put on the website or tell you on the phone, but hey, if it wasn't difficult it would be easy! fuckers.
so, dejected, i came home and decided to pack my bags for the trip. oh yeah, i'm going on a trip. this winding path has lead me all the way back east, but i won't be here long. my dear friend joe is coming to pick me up in his veggie car and take me to a magical little city in new york state where i will go to parties, vegan potlucks, and anarchist coffee shops galore. a trip to the big city to see my partner in shade, andrew, from whom i just need a few more hugs. then i will help him with his land project, play outside, and cook lots of vegetables for a few weeks and he will drop me off at the airport (again) because that's what we do. my plane will land, with cat in hand, in seattle where i'll spend the november holiday with my bff couple. that's as far as i've got. there is a destination in mind after thanksgiving, but i hesitate to post it until the ticket is bought. even then plans have a tendancy to change.
i'm moving out of my van and into a few suitcases. after shedding so many layers, i still have more to get rid of. i'm almost just a person now. it feels good.

another day another dog rescue

2008-10-23T13:42:00.002-04:00

i went on another dog rescue mission, this time less dramatic but just as sad. a neighbor out by our camp has a puppy tied up by his house with no food or water and very little shelter. in the three days i was up there, no one (that i saw) checked on the dog and i began to worry. i took him some food and water and a blankey to sleep on in his dismal little doghouse. he's just a pup, no more than 8 months old, and friendly as can be. i wish i had a big farm and could just take him into the fold. lacking that ability, i called the spca and they are going to go check on him and take him in if need be.
i wonder why i keep being presented with lovely animals in need of proper care? is it time to settle my ass down and take in some orphans? maybe that is my biological clock ticking. i do have a strange urge to grow herbs, bake pies and make a recipie file. hmm. i'm gonna shove that category of urges back for a while because i've got some other things to do, but i think it won't be ignored too much longer.
i'm trying to get out of here soon, but things are holding me back. things like the laziness that won't let me get my van cleared out and ready for storage, and dental work that keeps failing so i have to go back, and the red tape involved with getting on the "list" to visit my friend in prison, and gathering supplies needed to travel on planes with freyja, . all things that must be done, but will they be accomplished by early next week? it's getting cold here, i'm wearing 4 layers, that sucks.
good news--i made a kick ass halloween costume for a party i'm attending saturday. boots with the fur, tail, horn, and a dash of spray glitter just so when you brush up against me you know you've been touched by a unicorn.

head for the hills

2008-10-19T15:13:00.002-04:00

hometown adventures with chris today, he was nice enough to stop by and break the cycle of work-eat-drink-internet on his way through PA and i showed him the crazy man's candy shop where we used to get cigarettes when we were 10, and then we explored the mostly abandoned machine factory where there were countless rooms filled with countless shelves of extraordinarily metal-dust covered molds. last night we did the bar tour--st. charles to dinger's to buster's to legends. he likes to walk fast too and i think he's endured my little town well, though i'm sure he will be glad to be on his way.
i'm going to my family's cabin in the woods for a few days. the leaves are past their peak of brilliance, and the weather has turned frosty. building a fire, eating soup, walking in the woods with crispy leaves underfoot, this is the autumn experience i was looking for. tonight i'll be there by myself, it's my time to figure out if i'm really going to take the step i've been contemplating. tomorrow i'll be joined by friends for some good ol'country fun.
into the wilds of pennsylvania..

village pet store and charcol grill

2008-10-16T09:37:00.003-04:00

i came across this through the 721sandwiches blog. this is the finest contemporary art i've seen in a long time. well executed, poignant, painful. i hope i have a chance to see the exhibit when i go to new york.

mystery

2008-10-15T00:14:00.002-04:00

i'm moving through the world with no guideposts but my instincts. no goals but my survival. no barriers but my ability to figure things out. these last days have been rife with confusion, waffling, doubt, and excitement. i'm on the precipice, not knowing quite what might befall me. i asked for this, i surely did. every path has obstacles, and i can't for the life of me figure out which ones i'd rather tackle. ha! you thought i made a decision?? think again. welcome to my fairy tale, a tangled wood through which i wander where every solid thing i think i see morphs and i am lost again. it's fun, yes, but tiring.
tomorrow i will search for clues in my past. my old journals i've kept stowed away hold secrets that may help me understand why i am here, where i should go, and what i've been working for. the freedom is not a goal unto itself, it's a doorway that, now opened, baffles me.

plan for no plans

2008-10-12T10:13:00.003-04:00

i'm edgy about what the economic status of our country is going to do to my loose-knit plans. already things have come apart a bit--my friend in the caribbean is no longer in the caribbean. he couldn't find a job, couldn't find affordable housing, got depressed and downtrodden and came home. now he has no furniture, no winter clothes, no job and is living in a cheap hotel. while i will never have to live in a cheap hotel, i wonder if my experience will be similar to his. i've never gone somewhere and failed to make it, but i have had some incredibly rough times which i don't care to repeat. would i be better off just staying in my van this winter and driving somewhere warm? or should i go to the islands and try my luck? OR should i do something radically different? i feel like the pieces i had laid out have all been put in the hat again, ready to be rearranged. i'm comfortable with the uncertainty, i'm just amazed that it keeps happening. nothing goes according to plan, so much so that i no longer need to make plans, but it's difficult to talk to people when they ask about what i'm doing.

ode to a friend

2008-10-10T19:28:00.003-04:00

crystal. she's perfect. no she's not a genius or a huge success or a brilliant artist. she just knows how to be a person, the person she is. that kind of natural beauty that shines through bad tattoos and difficult relationships, and defies her smoking habit and bar food diet with a lean muscled figure, plump lips and young energy. she's a royal figure in this town, known by all, loved by most, a bad-girl you can still trust. i've often asked myself how she does it so effortlessly, and that's just it--she's a natural. there have been dangerous lessons, fights, periods of stagnation, but she always comes out on top. a little wiser, more savvy, stronger. she knows how to play the game of life by some inborn ability i lack. and over the years this has kept her a fascinating friend for me, a teacher by example.
in exchange i teach her yoga, take her places she's never been, fully enjoy being her sidekick, and always leave the door open for her to join my adventures. i don't know if she'll ever take me up on it, but she is one of the treasures i find when i come home.

a different kind of painful

2008-10-08T18:31:00.002-04:00

tonight i play poker with my brother and friends. this should be fun at least. maybe profitable, who knows? though it would only be dumb luck at this point. or my awesome skills that have been laying dormant. we shall see. at least i get to go out and burn off some of this energy i've got stored. working in an office makes me restless and i feel the need to go out all the time. working at a bar, i don't have that need, it's built in to my workday. this new way of being is entertaining though.
i saw my grandmother a few days ago. her skin is thin like onion paper, her head seems to have withered, and she's far shorter than i remember. being in a nursing home has to suck. it's like a daycare where the parents never come to pick the kids up and half of them are crying or talking to the wall and sitting in shitty diapers. the home she's in is pretty good compared to many, but that feeling is still there. i daydream of my future, will i be in the same place? at this rate, i won't even have children to take care of me, and i certainly won't be checking myself into one of those places. unless i move to a country where there's universal health care, i won't likely have health care, so if i was her, i would have died along time ago of a stroke, or cancer, or craziness. i'll probably just fade off into the wilderness. it might be painful, but it'll be a different kind of painful.

my younger days revisit

2008-10-07T22:39:00.000-04:00

when things are fascinating, i'm really living. when days go stale, i'd rather be on my way. i've experienced a regression to my younger days when all i wanted was to socialize, to drink, to put on makeup and do my hair. this is frustrating to me because i'm not really like that anymore, but i can't quit acting that way! my friends are older now (like me) and don't go out on week nights. i guess everyone forgot how to party.
if anyone reading this is in the mood to get nuts, you should come over.

central pa

2008-10-06T12:48:00.001-04:00

i've been meaning to make a post about what it's really like living in central PA, but i think this video says it all. it's an excerpt from a movie made by people i grew up with and it's clearly awesome. Steve's Conditions

boys

2008-10-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

one thing i can say for this place, the boys like me here. probably simply because my face is fresh to their eyes, yet they have a frame of reference through my family and friends. whatever the reason, i'm soaking it up because i know it won't last. this "just passing through" thing has it's benefits, but i know i'm not making lasting connections. that's ok with me right now. i'm fully committing to my traveling nature. let the rest of my dreams and goals retire to the back burner, it's time to explore the world! this theme has come and gone in my life, but never have i been in a better position to embrace it. a few more weeks of familial fun times and i'm off again to the unknown. i would almost always choose the unknown path rather than go further down the known one. this is a hinderance and a help depending on my outlook, and today, my outlook is smiling.

i miss my van

2008-10-02T17:06:00.000-04:00

separation anxiety creeps in, mildly but noticeably now that i'm not sleeping in the van. don't get me wrong, i'm enjoying the bathtub, the full length mirror, and the refrigerator, but i no longer feel like a kid in a fort. i feel like a displaced adult. i am in between lives. people have asked me where i'm from, it's a longer answer than they've signed up for. they ask me where i live, same thing--do they mean today? or last week? or next month? any yet i can't just say i live in my van and i'm only passing through because that's not exactly accurate either.
my friend who is already in the caribbean is not having such a great time. he says there is no work there yet, and he isn't comfortable committing to an island by renting there until he gets a job. i wonder if he'll decide to leave before i get there. i don't really care, we are not inextricably linked, but it will make things different for me. he says all the jobs start in early november which is good for me, but i wonder what i'll do for housing if he's not there. i wish i could just take my van! i don't want to leave it. my little shell to protect me from the world of high rent and geographical stagnation. oh, what's a vandweller to do? of course, i haven't stepped on the plane yet, so there is room for negotiation. will i or won't i? the great part is--i'm fine either way, i'm really unattached to the outcome. as long as i get to have an adventure in warmth this winter, i don't care how i get there, by plane, by boat, by van, or by mule.
i do know one thing. whether i do or not, i still WANT to live in my van.

over the mountain

2008-09-30T03:02:00.000-04:00

the proud buck and doe wink at me from the bar-top as i swallow another local lager, the only beer i can drink in these parts. my brother walks by as i'm laughing at something crystal said, he there to brush up his pool game because the league is starting this week. there is no other place i feel as comfortable, even though to those who know me best it would seem an odd place to find me.
later in the night we're driving to dubois, a town just 20 miles away, and as we pass 18 wheelers on the highway i think i could be 19 again, freewheeling out of control, no seatbelt, no caution, no worries. my girls in the car, all of us happy to be together, not much makeup, no high heels, no pretense or judgment, this is what it's like in the small town when you go way back. for a few hours we are invincible, inseparable, the center of the world.
the fog is familiar, the deer on the side of the road still haven't learned to stay away. the trees are beginning to show their colors, one last beautiful attempt to revel in pleasant temperatures before the wicked winter makes them feel like dying. it really is the same after all this time. like a puffy picture on a sweatshirt, yes, this is the scene we see every day.
we bravely try to have fun on a monday, though the steelers are playing and it's tough to draw attention away from the tv, we manage to get a bucket of beers delivered to our table from a group of hopefuls. but it would take more than that to distract us from our conversations. i'm in the mix of a hometown heart to heart and i wouldn't miss it...well, not for those guys anyway. the small town mind is easily turned toward codependency, and it takes a certain type to escape it either by strength of will, sheer social intelligence, or exposure to outside influences. i myself feel the latter is what saved me, and am grateful.
i made it home, i smell like smoke, and i'm glad i'm single.

getting moving

2008-09-29T00:47:00.000-04:00

i bought my ticket for the islands. november 2nd! i am happy to be where i am for now, and i'll be happy to pack up and leave when october is done. i've had nothing but fun since i got here, spent the last weekend with my best friend in lancaster where he was performing in "oklahoma", and rounded out sunday with a few beers in the company of my brother and sister in law. when i am around my actor friends who are performing, i get envious of their lives, i think about what would have happened if i pursued my acting career. i wonder if i will someday? there are so many things to do in life, how to choose which ones i want has always been my most difficult problem. i am very good at starting things, not so hot on the follow through.
my legs are very tired from running and biking today. i've been very active since i got here, there's just no need to drive in this tiny town, nothing is more than a few miles away. i got on my mom's scale when i first arrived and was shocked at the number that appeared. there's no two ways about it, my age is making it harder to stay fit. this is what people mean when they say getting old is hell. so it's really for real time to make activity a part of daily life. and stop eating sugar!

journey to the place i was conceived

2008-09-24T11:25:00.000-04:00

my chicago visit was a raging success, my dear friends have retained their charms and i was introduced to the characters in their lives who i'd only heard about. approval on all counts! i am wistful at the thought that i could join them and be a part of those beautiful people's lives. i am honored to be featured as a special guest star.
i arrived in pennsylvania late last night, and here i sit at my parent's house clicking away on the old keyboard that sounds like a typewriter. everything is different here, though rampantly familiar, like the way the water feels on my head in the shower, i know this place deeply and my past is suddenly jammed into my present. i haven't seen my brother yet, or any of my friends, but i am so very excited to get back into their worlds. in this town i can feel famous, every pair of feet i meet a possible intersection of history and future.
i decided that in order to make the most of my time here, and cause the least conflict, a moratorium on political and religious discussions with my parents must be put in place. i am of the opinion that everyone is entitled to their views, but religion and politics have little importance in my life, and i don't like to argue about them. the stacks of books in this house reveal the current of religious fervor, and the emails my mom sends are reliably links to right wing rants, so it's a difficult task to avoid these subjects, but i'm going to try for my sanity. in my adulthood, i've come to the realization that i just don't enjoy arguing, and i believe this to be a reaction to my upbringing. some people love to debate, i do not. present me all sides of the story and let me decide, that's much more my speed.
in travel news: the van was an absolute dream to drive across the country, i had zero problems, just happy miles passing by. i don't care if i don't see another interstate for a while, and i'm pleased to be getting off the road food habit, but all in all it was a successful journey wrought with discovery and reflection. ahh.

best and worst

2008-09-22T10:57:00.000-04:00

before i left santa fe, a reporter contacted me through this blog and asked me for an interview. he was a former and future vandweller and wanted to do a story on the viability or maybe just the reality of this lifestyle. talking to him helped me articulate why i'm doing this and what this way of life has given to me and taken from me.
what's the best part of vandwelling? the ability to live on very little money, go wherever i please, and not have any financial commitments. i chose to stay in one place for a while in order to clear up my debt, and now that it is gone, i feel more possibility in my life than ever before. being on the road and not worrying about where i'm going to stay at night, or where i will live when i get where i'm going is a huge difference. i never needed to worry anyway, but the van life has opened my eyes to how easy it is just to exist.
what's the worst part of vandwelling? the lack of a bathtub. i sure do love 'em. and the larger context they usually are a part of like a house, a kitchen, a garden, a spot on the earth. i do miss these things and living in my van has not provided much in the way of entertaining opportunities for guests, not many homecooked meals, definitely no baths. but this con is also a plus in that i am able to have a savings account for the first time in my life which i believe may translate to owning some land and a house someday. so perhaps i'm closer than ever to actualizing my home based dreams.
there are many other pros and cons like--meeting people has been easier, but dating has been rough. paying bills is a breeze, but having an address has been a challenge. some minds have opened when they found out about me, some people have written me off.
all things considered, i don't regret a minute of this adventure. the reporter asked me if i plan to continue living in my van in the future. i said that although i will surely live in an apartment or house at times, i will come back to van life when i need or want to, and now that i've done it for this long, i know how easy it is. that can't be forgotten.

i survived

2008-09-21T11:58:00.000-04:00

the long long road between santa fe and chicago was paved with jesus signs, country stations, and dirty bathrooms. there is no espresso between santa fe and oklahoma city, and even when you get there, they don't know how to make it. the midwest is a different world, a world where things i like are scarce, and people i feel comfortable around are scarcer. i stopped over in kansas city for dinner with my aunt and uncle, one of the best meals i've had on the road and certainly the most entertaining conversation. i do not belong in the midwest. i'm sure there are lovely things about it that i'd get to know if i had to, but i don't think i'll ever choose to live there. i usually like to take my time on the road, get a little local flavor, but after a few detours on rt 66, i found i just wanted to get to chicago as fast as i could. the tired tourist trinket market on that road is depressing.
now i'm in chicago with some of my very best friends remembering our college insanities. i'm sure glad they're the only ones who know about all that nonsense, it's pretty embarrasing. also hilarious. we drank bubbly and rehashed the past, updated each other on the present, and made invitations for the future. this is fun.

and so i travel on

2008-09-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

i awoke from a bittersweet dream to a man knocking on the door, then entering with a bag in his hand. he saw me and said hello, not really surprised. he belongs here i thought. tess woke up and took his gifts of burrito and coffee, bid him good morning, and he left.

it's time to go, i slept too late, the light is bright and clear. i pull on last night's clothes, brush my teeth while she does the dishes and adopt the coffee as my travel mate. leaving my friends, the people who know and still love me, today i venture out into the southwest, through NM and TX as far as i can get.

santa fe, good ole santa fe

2008-09-17T12:14:00.000-04:00

it's really happening. i'm here in the old coffee shop i used to love, having completed the first leg of my roadtrip. not much has changed since i was here last, at least not at first glance. tess, luis, sophia, chris and i went out last night and had dinner at the chama, then drinks and revelry at the catamount, then because i can't leave well enough alone and neither can tess, we said goodnight to our tired friends, went dancing at willies and ended up with two men on our arms. how i managed to find hottest blackest richest man in santa fe remains a mystery, but this place is charmed you know.
another amazing thing about last night? we had a run in with the cops in which they were actually helpful. we were hanging out in the van across the street from the bar as it was closing and santa fe's finest pulled up behind us, approached with flashlights, and asked us if we were having trouble with the van. i said no, i wasn't going to drive yet. the officer (who was pretty cute) told me he thought it best if i just left the van there for the night because otherwise they'd follow me and pull me over. he was right, i had no business driving, i had to give him that. the fact that he was interested in not getting me in trouble was refreshing. i thanked him, and we set off on foot for a while.
i slept in the van last night in downtown santa fe and it was very peaceful. this place is different in all ways than denver. i love it so much, i sang it a song this morning. and so it remains the only place i've considered home. i will be back someday...

the plan revealed

2008-09-13T17:22:00.000-04:00

it feels like i have giant weights on my shoulders keeping me from doing anything. i've accomplished so little in the last week, i'm ashamed of myself. even though everything is fairly good and going according to plan, i feel like shit. i don't know if it's the seasonal change or just the stress of moving and tying up loose ends, but nothing seems worthwhile. my best times are at work when i know the job i have to do and i have people to talk to while i do it. i never used to be like this. i always liked my time alone and was productive in it. i guess i'm just in a gloomy spell.
meanwhile, i think it's time to reveal my plan for winter. some of my loudmouth friends have already spilled the beans, so i see no point in keeping it under wraps anymore. after my next great american roadtrip, i'm hopping on a plane with freyja and landing on a caribbean island. yes, i do know where i'm landing, but i may not stay there, so suffice it to say i'll be somewhere in the caribbean for winter 08-09. i have a friend from denver who is moving there too and will be there ahead of me so i will have a place to stay when i arrive. i have no idea what i'll do once i'm there. this is my gift to myself after 30 years of harsh winters, and 7 months of vandwelling.

entering exiting

2008-09-12T16:30:00.000-04:00

today is the birthday of the newest member of my clan--shannon and george had a baby girl today! perfect, healthy and luckily a virgo. seems like all my friends either have kids, are pregnant, or intend to be soon. guess that's normal. i wish i could be there to see her little face. she is not named yet...might i suggest lydia as an enduringly beautiful title for a lass? someone ought to name their kid after me, that's for sure.
there are joys and woes that come with leaving, and i understand now why some people choose not to say goodbye. it's hard when everyday is filled with friends and acquaintances expressing their disappointment and sadness at my leaving. i feel lucky to have this problem, i know it means i'm well loved, but the depression is still lurking in the corners of every waking hour. it's the time of year too, i always get sad when fall comes. i haven't accomplished much in the way of packing my van this week. i'll be doing it all last minute as usual.
good news on the kitty--she doesn't have stones. it looked that way in the x ray, but turns out they were calcifications on her ovarian stumps, whatever that means. so she just has a nasty urinary infection again. this time she's on a broad spectrum antibiotic, which i don't like, but hey it's better than surgery.
i had the good fortune to reconnect with one my very dear friends, kodiak, who i haven't seen in over a year. he breezed into town just in time to catch me, and being around him was a reminder of the lessons i learned with him--mostly that a healthy relationship consists largely of respect, communication, and self-knowledge. we truly appreciate each other and that is so refreshing. i need more people like him in my life.

last minute affairs

2008-09-08T18:12:00.000-04:00

when i set my leaving date, things always get interesting. last night i went to dinner with bob, a customer from the restaurant who really likes me and the rest of the staff. two of my servers, my boss and his girlfriend went also and we drank two magnums of sake, ate countless plates of sushi and sashimi, and finished up with the most delicious banana cream pie i've ever had. bob picked up the tab which was well over 500 dollars. pretty decadent treatment for a "homeless" girl. i knew he had sort of a crush on me, so i expected him to make a move at the end of the night which he did. we sat in my van and i told him my freedomvan story (though i didn't tell him about this blog), and he expressed how envious of my life he was. we discussed how anyone can have what i have--freedom from debt, no obligations, ability to travel wherever and whenever they want, they just have to either be very rich or give up all their possessions and live in a van for a while. when he made his move, i gently rebuffed him and he retreated elegantly. he is quite a gentleman after all, and only slightly younger than my father.
as i was driving home, i decided to stop at this bar i like to write letters in sometimes because one of the bartenders is rather attractive. he was there, working the door for the "blues jam" in his motorcycle jacket and heavy boots, his careless just barely mohawk resting perfectly atop his boyish face. i've been known to fall for this type, cue the ex-boyfriend slideshow. the scottish guy was also there in full garb--kilt and all. this fellow likes to chase me around, giving me high fives and buying me drinks. i intended on just one, but had two and a half by the time it was all said and done. i talked to the cute one when i could, and learned that he'd just broken up with his girlfriend and was back on his dad's couch. he must've seen something in my eyes when he revealed that information and the flirtation began in earnest. i'm only here for one more week. he's newly single. might as well make the best of it. for the second time that night, a gentleman walked me to my van, but this time i welcomed his advance. a short series of kisses preceded a phone number exchange, and i drove home on a cloud. not bad for a sunday...
today i woke up reluctantly to a cold and cloudy monday. not my favorite, to say the least. i've been rather depressed all day, just not sure how to proceed with getting all this crap taken care of. i made a commitment to take all the clothes i'm getting rid of to buffalo exchange, take the books to capitol books, take everything they don't take to the salvation army. i reorganized my van so that my scooter can fit inside for the trip. and now i'm stalling at the coffee shop for a while. david bowie is making it better.

wrapping up

2008-09-07T04:22:00.000-04:00

my friends are the cutest. something about sailing away forever makes them love me more. maybe this is why i leave so much. since i announced my plan to leave denver in less than 2 weeks, i've heard from friends almost daily, many of which i haven't seen in years. i'll be going to santa fe, that little city i love, first to see the dear friends i made during massage school, and then heading toward chicago to see my college friends. i miss them so much! tonight the two gemini twins i got into all sorts of trouble with left me a voicemail which made me laugh out loud on the street while i was wrapping up my tattered belongings and lashing them to my scooter.
my friend bruce, the 8-track guy, gave me the most awesome portable 8-track player i've ever seen today. it looks like swiss cheese. he didn't want me to be in my winter home without a way to listen to my collection. i was showing it off today at work, just beaming and dancing around, but no one really cared. i don't think most people see the coolness of 8-tracks.
freyja had a relapse of urinary troubles, and i took her to the vet today. seems she's got two stones in her ureter that are causing infection and pain. i got her tested to the tune of 440 dollars and i await the results to see what i'm supposed to do. i'm uncertain what the right path will be, as i cannot afford an expensive surgery. i'm scared. whatever happens, she's coming with me, and i'll do what is in my power to make her comfortable. i wonder if my lifestyle is too stressful for her?
in one week, i'll be done with my job. i got my life insurance check which allowed me to pay off all my credit cards and have a few thousand dollars in savings. i've arrived at the first goal of freedomvan! this plan actually worked. i'm amazed.

two weeks notice

2008-09-03T02:39:00.000-04:00

i get nervous about quitting jobs, i don't know why. perhaps it's a carryover from my work ethic, and saying "i'm quitting" doesn't fit in my mind. but, on occasion, it must be done, and i did it today. mister bossy pants was real nice about it and started drinking shortly after i told him. it turned out to be a fun night filled with bottles of wine, jokes, stories, and the beginning of the good bye process. i will miss this place, i have had fun here, and there are things i love that i'm leaving behind. i've been sort of melancholy today thinking of the paths i'm eliminating, and it's good to recognize their merit. soon enough i'll be excited about my winter plan...soon enough i will reveal it in all it's glory.

mama i'm coming home

2008-08-31T03:40:00.000-04:00

last night my boss sent me home from work because he started an argument with me based on his opinions of my personal life. i asked him to walk away, or stop talking to me, but he kept at it, just digging for an emotional response. finally, i caved and got angry, told him he was an asshole and to leave me alone, at which point he ordered me to take the night off. i did. this came at the tail end of my fast and i was feeling really clear, so i spent some time really evaluating my situation. i don't need to stay here. i am so close to my goal that it's fairly inconsequential if i decide to leave in 2 weeks or in 6, so i've decided to leave earlier rather than later. why stay here and undergo mistreatment by a chemically imbalanced boss when i can just go to my hometown? my mom said she could use some help with the bed and breakfast and the office, and though i haven't talked to my brother, i bet he could use me at his restaurant too. these are all jobs i have done before, and though they don't pay as well as my current one, at least i can be spending time with my family while i'm doing them.
tuesday i will put in my two weeks notice. looks like my plans got moved forward yet again. i'm really excited and happy to be in the final countdown.
winter plans are coming together. i got a note from my aunt who is finishing up her alaska trip (in her rv of course) welcoming me to come to arizona for the winter, and an email from an uncle telling me of his plans for the fall/winter which include a visit to the slabs (in his rv of course). though my burgeoning plan doesn't quite line up with either of them, i hope our paths will cross in the meantime. do you think this wanderlust is in my blood?
the next two weeks, i'll need some strong selling luck as i unload the last of my unwanted belongings and pack up the chateau for it's maiden voyage. at long last!

some good news

2008-08-27T02:17:00.000-04:00

after a rough couple of days, i'm feeling positive about my situation. who cares that i got kicked out? i needed to leave anyway. yeah, it's messed up and probably not technically legal, but i have to face the fact that the authorities don't want to see me. out of sight, out of trouble is my new motto. and it wasn't my fault they were there, it was my crappy landlord's fault because the place was overtaken my weeds. i'm setting my sights on new horizons and taking steps to make the rest of my time here worthwhile.
here's the good news:
1. freyja is all better, the anitbiotics took a while to work, but she's back to normal now. she's getting along well in her new surroundings, staying at terri's has been really easy.
2. i had a fun weekend wherein i cooked out with several friends of mine and drank too much wine. we danced to some 80's music and then chilled out to morphine (the band not the drug!) as the hour got late. i even stole a kiss from one of the hosts. john angel P.I., the large spotted fish who lives alone by the tv, already had a docket on me, but now it's a little juicier. ahh, perfection still exists.
3. living with terri is fun. she really needs the company and i'm learning alot from her about life. her stories are various and mostly horrible, but this is the life that created her. i understand how she got where she is, and that's the beginning of friendship.
4. today was day one of a five day fast that i'm going on with my friend from work. time to clean out the system and gain a new perspective. i'd been eating anything and everything for a while and i just want to start over. the "master cleanse" is a simple (not easy) way to do that.
5. i've been going to yoga 3-5 times a week for three weeks now and i feel like a much more balanced person. since the van dwelling adventure started, i haven't taken care of myself like i should. now i'm changing that.

get out--part two

2008-08-24T02:52:00.001-04:00

yes, it is illegal to live in your van, at least that's what the officer told me, and he assured me that if i refused to vacate the premises (which i believe means that i would still be living in a van, but not in his direct line of vision) he would arrest me. i haven't been threatened with arrest ever before, it's so strange how you can wake up one day and get arrested for being where you are. i made very little fuss because i didn't see the point, i was leaving in 10 days anyway, so i just moved my moving date up. i called my slumlord and he acted like he had no idea what was going on. i don't suppose he paid any attention to the notices the city sent him about the lawn violations. he felt bad about what happened, because i'm probably his best tenant, but he's in shit up to his armpits already with all the violations and didn't offer much in the way of explanations. he mostly just wanted me to tell the cops i wasn't living there, that i was just storing my stuff there and happened to spend the night in my van. he must have known that renting that spot to me wasn't legal, but i wasn't interested in lying for him. i'm just glad this happened now and not two months ago.
i have a much better sense of how much stuff i have now since i had to move it all in an hour. three boxes to get rid of by various means, three boxes of things i have to fit in the van, my massage table and massage chair, tools, cat, scooter, bike. not bad, but there has to be some arranging to be sure. the city code enforcement team watched blankly as i carried all my stuff across the alley, speaking spanish they thought i couldn't understand. i wonder if they told their families about me at dinner. crazy white woman. this week is the first week i've started to think about being sick of living in a van. i'm not there yet, and i think it's mostly due to being stuck in one place, i need to DRIVE the van to enjoy it more, and avoid the problems of being too visible.
for now, i'm crashing at terri's place, she was luckily ready for me and didn't mind. i slept in her house last night and it was weird. it's not like i haven't slept in a building lately, i did it on vacation, but this was different. i was "home" but not in my van. i'm anxious to be gone from here. october first is a definite. destination, still unknown. two probable paths, plenty of room for improvisation.

get out--part one

2008-08-23T17:27:00.000-04:00

i am watching a roach crawl across the wall in the office at work, ick. i am wondering if someone will bust in and catch me on the computer. i am one more step closer to leaving--yesterday i got kicked out of my parking spot by the police. they said it was illegal to live in a van. they were called there on a grass and weed violation, probably by the tenant that was being evicted by my landlord. so, i'm out 10 days earlier than i thought. there is more to the story which i'll share, maybe later tonight...

the short term plan

2008-08-20T17:08:00.000-04:00

i have to be out of my spot in less than 2 weeks, this is cool because it's giving me another chance to be even more prepared to hit the road. i want to stay in my city until at least october first as that will allow me to have the funds i need, so that leaves the question of september. while i don't need a "place" since i live in my van, my neighbor terri has insisted that i should crash with her until i'm ready to leave. so, that's what i'm gonna do. it'll give me a place to get organized, and a place to sleep while i get my van checked out and all ready to roll. also, i'll be helping her with the rent which she really needs.
i don't know what to do about and address when i leave. i suppose i'll just pay all my bills online, but i don't know about personal correspondence. maybe my mom will be able to forward it to me wherever i may roam. what do you think mom? i've had a pretty heavy amount of letters coming from a certain institution in PA and i don't want that stream to be interrupted. i would just keep my po box and forward it somewhere, but the post office where i have my box is closing! on september 30th. yet another sign.
work has been better, the money is ok, and next week there is a huge convention in town which should give us a fairly large turnout.
as the weather shifts toward fall, my creaky gears are slowly engaging.

the news

2008-08-20T01:46:00.000-04:00

it's all been very strange lately, and i'm taking the good with the bad, trying to determine which reality i'm in. i don't want to be an asshole, and i don't have to be the best, just want to do what is morally correct. the most communication i've had with eric has been on this blog and i wonder why. am i impossible to talk to? well, it seems like he's found his peace with the situation and for the record, eric is a wonderful man full of love and very giving, like he said. just didn't work out in the fairy tale sense. so that's the reality. i hope he's doing exactly what he wants to do with his days and if i'm not a part of that, then so be it. i can accept that i wasn't the best thing for him, and i think he's forgiven me for that too.

i have less than two weeks before i'm out of my parking spot, and i've made significant progress on paring down my existence even more. lots of things just go in the trash, it's easy and most of it is not worth worrying about. i made a few bucks selling clothes at buffalo exchange and i'll take some more books to the store that buys them, then all i have is a few items to sell on ebay and i'm done! it's all contained in my van at that point.

my boss tuned up my scooter today, which was arguably the nicest thing he's ever done for me. i didn't ask him to do it, he just wanted to and so he went to the parts store and worked on it for an hour or so. pretty cool.

my cat's not better, i'm still feeling lonely, and my plans are still nonexistent, but i think it's all gonna change in the next 3 weeks. at least, i'll be out of debt at that point. the culmination of one of my dreams...

better

2008-08-17T20:19:00.000-04:00

i am no longer wallowing in misery which is a big improvement. still sad, still a bit confused, but ready to do the next thing. last night i went out with someone i've known for a while and we made a connection that surprised me--i always thought of him as kinda crazy with no sense of balance, but i learned that there are some terribly sad stories behind him, stories that made me feel like what i was going through was bearable. he's actually doing fine when you consider where he's coming from. we consoled each other (he's also in a weird relationship situation) and closed the bar down, then went walking through the city in the rain until 4 am. i felt like a teenager, like the world was being washed and i could be new again, if just for a moment in time.
some good news today--i sold the old van!! for what i was asking for it!!! thank you randy and stacie, i am so relieved to have it sold and cash in hand. now i can pay off two credit cards and that leaves only one more bill to pay off before i'm totally free. wow. i'm so close the day i've been dreaming of for months. maybe years.
i finally hung out with my other neighbors today, bob and larry. they are totally awesome dudes who have a sweet bachelor pad across the alley from me. they welcomed me like a friend and i drank a few beers with them while we watched "the last waltz", hands down the best rock movie ever made. robbie robertson is so damn hot! bob heated me up a bowl of his homemade chili which was soooooo good, and we sat around and laughed at each others jokes. they are so funny it made my guts hurt so i'm definitely going back soon. i could use a little hilarity in my life. they said to come over any time, since they'd more than likely be partying.

if i could edit the past...

2008-08-16T04:07:00.000-04:00

eric wrote a letter in the comments on my last post. i'm devastated, and don't know what to say. i don't feel like i was horrible to him, but apparently i was and that realization makes me doubt who i really am. everything i say must be selfish, everything i did to him must have been wrong, i must be a rotten, evil woman with no heart. why did he love me? why did he want me? where did i dive off the path of love and become a wretched failure?
i don't know what i can do. he's already lost faith in me completely and is now publicly shaming me. all i wanted was to have some time with him, but he knew that and that is just what he won't give me. it's always something, some appointment or he's out of town or he doesn't feel good, and that's fine, i don't want to be annoying, but he's had time to buy a motorcycle, and apparently a new truck, and see his other friends. friends who loved him good enough. the favor he asked is minimal, it's no big deal, and i am perfectly happy to do it, but he never answered my calls or texts when i sent love and desired to know how he was. suddenly when he wants something, he texts me. i'd like to believe he didn't get my calls, but i know better. he's punishing me because i didn't love him the way he wanted in the past.
i failed him. i am sorry. eric, i wish you would just talk to me instead of this. if what you want is for me to feel awful, then i do. if what you want is for me to have been someone else, then i'm sorry but i can't. i am who i am.
it's been raining for over 24 hours, a rarity in colorado, and i am soggy with life, with sadness, and wondering what kind of person i really am.

october one

2008-08-15T04:11:00.000-04:00

the guy i rent the space from called me and told me i have to be out by the first. he's going to build a garage there so he can charge more for it. it's ok because i live in my van and i don't have to care if someone doesn't want me there anymore.
freyja has a urinary tract infection and i took her to the vet today, antibiotics for ten days and i hope for the best.
eric doesn't want to hang out with me, he just wants favors and it's ok because he's dying and so i better not complain about the way he treats me.
it's raining and the pigeons are making death threats because i'm sitting under the only cover at the library at 2am.
the next road i take is my own. i will break promises to myself, and will surely disappoint others. i've decided what is next and am moving that direction.
october 1, the chateau launches.

turquoise eyeshadow

2008-08-11T00:38:00.000-04:00

i've been going to yoga almost every day and today for most of the class i had a brainstorm of ideas for what i'm going to do next. none of them totally satisfied me, but i came up with a general direction. i'm going to have to make some money over the winter, not much, but at least 500 a month, that could be done in 2 days a week or less bartending, so that should be easy. but what i realized i needed today was something i hadn't thought of in a while--i want to be part of a larger group of like minded people. somewhere i can learn something valuable, like a yoga center or an ecovillage, or i don't know what but i'm sure they are out there. i once did a volunteer program at kripalu yoga center in western massachusetts, it was a life changing, heart opening experience and while i don't feel the need to recreate it, i'd like to do something equally as amazing.
i feel like a stranger today, anonymous and faceless to the people who see me on the street. i've lived here for 18 months and still nothing has really hooked me. i've tried to get in touch with eric, but he's back to not answering my calls or texts. and i didn't see him last week like i though i would, he had a bunch of appointments and then was not feeling up to it. i'm deeply sad that he's so sick and i just want to be around him. he used to help me feel like i belonged here, and i used to make him crazy with my projects and ideas. there was always a little teasing involved in our exchanges, like just when one of us would forget about this stupid song we'd been singing, the other one would start singing it "chocolate rain..." oh god, that made me nuts!
it's a strange juxtaposition of familiarity and loneliness that induces my need to depart. a feeling i've come to recognize as part of my pattern. i've tried different reactions to it, leaving, not leaving, reinventing myself, reverting to old habits, and no matter what i do, it returns. it's not a bad thing, and i'm accustomed to it, but i'm not sure what it's trying to teach me.
i had an uncanny urge for turquoise eyeshadow, so i bought some and i'm wearing it. for those who know me, this might seem out of character. i guess my character is changing.

flood and famine

2008-08-10T01:18:00.000-04:00

yesterday the rains came raging through the streets and the restaurant flooded. everyone was in bare feet and soaking wet, it was kinda awesome. i've never seen flash flooding like that before, the temporary river was wicked fast and the thunder and lightning tremendous. the guys built a dam with tables to divert the deluge from going straight down into the patio, quite dramatic! it felt like we were on the titanic having dinner and drinks while the ship was slowly filling with water.

my scooter was knee deep in water for a while and i half expected it not to work, but all i had to do was dry the spark plug and she started right up. i worried that my cat had drowned or my van had filled up with wetness, but everything was fine, if a little damp.

today i made very little money, confirming that this job is going down the drain. i may not even be able to meet my goal of paying off all my debt before i leave. i'd rather leave still owing a little bit and get a job for the winter than stay here and wallow in the recession. not that i'll be able to escape it, but at least i'll be warm. i wish i could be a hobobartender and just show up in town for a guest stint at little hole in the wall places, that would be so cool.

a reorganization of finances and plans has to occur in the next week or two. i think i can still pull off something fantastic, but it's going to be trickier than i thought.

pushing me out

2008-08-08T16:02:00.000-04:00

as usually happens, the place i'm in becomes less and less hospitable as the date for my departure draws near. i don't know how it happens, but i trust the shifting energies and will follow their currents.
the hot dry days of summer have moved out and heavy clouds laden with messages dominate the days. no longer can i ride my moped at night without my down jacket. the late night t-shirt rides live only in july. weird tensions with my neighbors remind me that the same rights and privileges of rent-payers don't apply to those who live in vans. i have quite a list of things to do before i can go, and the clock is ticking. summer had lulled me into an easy routine, but change now looms close-by.
a fellow van-dweller who i met through this blog visited me this week. he's also from the northeast and we shared thoughts on how weird it can be there. he's moving to oregon because he wants to and there's no reason not to. a simple philosophy that he's applied quite well to his life. it was fun to have him around, we rode bikes in the glorious rain, i fed him gourmet treats at my work, and he showed me his tattoo which is awesome/hilarious. we talked about the salton sea, key west, bike-punk ethics, and strategic parking skills. even if i mother-henned him a bit, i think he enjoyed his time here in freedomvanland.
for those concerned about "friend", he was adopted this week. he's not dead.

fear and the northeast

2008-08-04T19:02:00.000-04:00

i'm trying to live my life in the best way i know how. so far, i've figured out this means to take care of myself and not be a burden on anyone else, to give support in what ways i can to friends, family, and occasional strangers, and to navigate through the possibilities in life with love as my guide. it is simple, and mostly i manage to be satisfied with my efforts, but i'm having trouble with solidifying my winter plans. being a person who has no commitments, it would seem easy to just make a decision and go with it. but lack of commitment does not mean lack of responsibility, and i feel responsible for visiting people who are unable to be as mobile as i am because i love them and value their place in my life. so how to fit all the pieces together in a satisfying and mutually fun way is confounding me. if i don't drive to the northeast this fall, i won't see over half of the people i care about for possibly a year or more. that's just a fact, my family and a few key friends are there and in the coming months i will have the freedom to make that trip. i have an irrational fear that if i go there, i'll get stuck for the winter, and i REALLY don't want to do that. i have no fear of any other place, or of getting stuck anywhere else, but there are so many factors that could come into play in the northeast. some of which i'm surely not even conscious of. i left that area so i could figure out who i was in a different context. i'm surprised that i have such a strong fear of going back.
the pull of autumn can be felt in the air today. a cool rain with tortured clouds dominates the day and i know i'm about to take a turn on the wheel of fate again. at once terrified and exhilerated, i abandon comfort and accept the wild ride.